A "B" and an "F"....

My photo experimentation last night with the borrowed Nikon went well as an experiment, I learned many things. I learned that when I get a good digital SLR I'll definetly read the manual. I got some stunning shots of fairly still subjects but shooting the main football action was a bust.

As most photographer know, light is a quirky thing. Night time, stadium lights and fast moving subjects are difficult to handle even with a camera one knows well, next to impossible with one you know only the basics of. I chose to take the camera off of "auto" and do the program settings myself. One of the few drawbacks of this particular Nikon is that if, while on "auto", it deems there to be not enough light, the flash automatically goes off. An annoying and unneeded system and perhaps there is a way to turn it off, but it escaped me last night. So.....basically the settings I chose, and I tried many, were not giving me a high enough ISO nor enough shutter speed to match the appeture settings necessary for the lighting conditions.

My action shots were crap as sports photos, but looking on the bright side as I do, they'll make great "art" shots. The players are elongated blurs against the stationary background, pretty cool looking really. But the booster parents want to see their boys, not blurs, so I get an "F" on that subject. However, the daughter of one of my friends is an MHS cheerleader and the Mom asked me to get shots of the girls, which I did. Her daughter is a stunningly beautiful girl and very photogenic. Great shots there for which I grade out a strong "B" I think. I'd post some, but don't want to be accused of being chauvanistic so instead I give you a perennial favorite... a lady with a baby. A neighbor with her God daughter at a party tonight.

Keeping things in focus...

As my friend, professional sports photographer Eddie Ray Merritt, mentioned several weeks ago, photography is one pursuit where the quality and price of your equipment does matter. In golf, if you are good, you can beat the pants off anyone using $300 clubs while your opponents sticks are in the $1200 range. In photography, you can be good, but never great using lesser cameras. Not that I'll be great, but I would like to improve.

In America we are so blessed that few of us actually need anything, but I need a new camera. I have two very fine 35 mm. cameras, but my digital shooter is a 1998 model Sony. A camera bought in the last century. The advancements in digital photography since then are astounding. However, one advantage of using my old camera is that I've been forced to stick to the fundamentals of photography and to learn some new creative techniques to get good prints.

I have been considering two new cameras, one a Pentax the other a Nikon. Through the generosity of an AA friend, I am getting the feel of a very good Nikon DSLR this weekend. I learned recently that my attorney friend, whom I've known for years, is a very good photographer himself; his favorite subject is shooting macro shots of columbine plants. We all have our niches!

He lent me not only his camera, but his whole stash of lenses and accessories. I've been busy learing the quirks of the system in the last day in preparation for shooting the Midland High football game tonight. What a pleasure it is to have genuine depth of field, have sharp true colors and see detail more clearly. And to be able to get over 500 shots in one session, rapid fire shots to boot, nice for sports action. The difference in cameras for me is about like switching from driving a 1957 VW Bug to a Corvette.

Go Cardinals!

Willie's Words of Wisdom...

"It's been rough and rocky travelin',
but my feet are firmly planted on the ground,
And after taking several readings,
I'm surprised to find my mind still fairly sound....."

The words of Willie Nelson ring true with me today, although I have to say that my mind is only fairly sound, and even that comes with a lot of work on a day to day basis. One of the abiding gifts AA has given me is the concept of "an attitude of gratitude". I heard that from an old timer when I first came into that program. He told me, and others, "it's impossible to be angry, resentful and full of self-pity if you are truly grateful for God's gifts to you each day".

God's gifts, no matter how small, like seeing my Dad be able to get out of bed today and walk, on his own, into the kitchen to eat our traditional Thursday Johnny's Barbeque lunch. For the last year he and I have made the trip down to the restaurant one of his regular outings, but for the time being, that's not possible, so the lunch comes to him. Small things become big things at this stage of life, for him and for me.

And whenever I think of St. Willie these days I cannot help but remember another of his philosophical classics...

"Well it's a bloody mary morning,
baby left me without warning sometime in the night,
so I'm flying down to Houston,
with forgetting her the nature of my flight"

But that is stinkin' thinkin' and an old tape playing in my head, not applicable today.

A month gone by....

It was a month ago today that the Big Gold Dog passed away, within a week of another sad personal finale in my life. One would think that this is about as much as God would give one person for awhile, but God has a plan of his own and it is revealed to me slowly and in His time.

Within the last month my Dad, who has terminal respiratory failure, has been slipping. He has been in for two hospital stays, the current one being for a week as of today. My sister is fond of saying, "we are all dying from the moment we are born", somewhat easier for her to say since I'm the one watching it occur while she lives elsewhere. But she is correct, we are all slipping slowly away, but my Dad will go before most of us who are reading these words. I've been at the hospital twice a day for the last week; three times today already, preparing for him to come home. This has been my goal, to get him home and to be as comfortable as possible and frankly to be a positive influence to counter my Mother's fatalism as well as to consider some tough medical decisions that, understandably, she finds hard to make.

He has rebounded from these episodes before, but realistically we know that this is a progressive and ultimately fatal disease. My friend and saint, Dr. Paul Best, has told me that his condition is not good and his well being will become a day to day affair. My family is blessed in that they can afford home nursing care when needed, my mother has help in the home and yard and I live only minutes from them. I am grateful that I can be of help and be with him as much as possible and that I have friends who support me; like an old friend whom my Dad knows, who took the time this morning to visit him.

I'm also grateful to the Big Gold Dog who recently gave me the experience of knowing what it is like to do the best you can for a dying loved one, enjoying the time you have left with them...and then to let them go when God is ready for them.

And I hope you understand my joy in the air show and tennis pictures. Those two weekends were the about the only respite I've had from a summer and fall of sadness, heartache, worry and stress. But....there's football coming again on Friday and life goes on according to God's plan.

5 O'Clock update: On my fourth trip to the hospital today I was able to bust "Big Wally" out. He's now back home resting comfortably. It's very hard to watch a man who used to be an excellent tennis player, an avid golfer, who walked and fought his way through Italy, a problem solver, now be able to only walk a few steps without tiring and be dependent on others to make decisions for him. But, like the Big Gold Dog, I still see the spark in his eye and the willingness to do what it takes to go on another day. In fact, my Dad felt so good to be out of the dark confines of Midland Memorial late this afternoon that he asked if we might just cruise around town a little and stop to get a candy bar. And so we did on a beautiful fall afternoon.

Tennis Final...

A moral victory in the Racquet Club NCAA tournament for the Pepperdine Women's Tennis Team as they were represented in all three final matches; singles, doubles and the consolidation match. Sylvia Kosakowski played in the final's, but lost a close three set match to a very good Russian player representing Baylor. Anete Bandere lost her consolation match as well, but teamed up with Sylvia to win the Women's Doubles title to beat a very good team from the University of New Mexico.
Lot's of tennis this weekend and so enjoyable with my friend Coach Gualberto Escaduro and the girls of the team. Nice folks all.

Here are some pictures of the weekend: Pepperdine Women's matches

More tennis...

The Pepperdine tennis team is doing well at the Racquet Club NCAA Invitational. My friend Sylvia had a close call in her second match which went three sets and she had to battle back from a 4-1 game deficit in the third to triumph. True championship material. Anete is on a roll too, having defeated her opponent in straight sets. Both move on this afternoon to another round and then Sylvia has to play yet again in a doubles match. A good fall day for tennis although the matches have had to stop several times for light rain.

Here is a good reason I love Pepperdine Tennis. Sylvia is next to me on the right and Tanya is at far left. Tanya is from Latvia and speaks not only her native tongue but also English, Russian and German.

Tennis Anyone....?

A good lunch break and late afternoon for tennis. Beautiful weather for rooting the Pepperdine Wave on to victory. My young friend Sylvia, last years surprise champion of the Racquet Club NCAA tournament, is seeded #1 in the women's division this year and has done well so far with a bye in the first round and easily defeating her opponent from Rice in the second. Tomorrow she starts early in women's doubles.

If you have any interest in tennis you ought to attend, some top level collegiate teams both mens and womens including Texas, USC, UCLA and Notre Dame.

Trudging the road......

After one of the best Air Show's ever for me, I'm back to life's plain and simple minutia. I've been busy this week at oil/gas business affairs with any extra time spent running back and forth to the hospital to check on my Dad or down to the Salvation Army to pick up Robert my AA charge. Some days I'm not sure who is sponsoring whom, as Robert calls every day asking me, "how are you doing". I appreciate that.

How I'm doing is actually a day to day affair. In spite of snarky commentary from both sides over the months, I do miss the former residents greatly and, of course, the Big Gold Dog. Life is not the same without them around and I had a dream about them just last night. But change is the only constant in life and those who survive with any serenity at all, alter course, accept life on life's terms and make the necessary adjustments.

The digital world is still interesting, keeping me very busy at night with updates to the Midland High Football website and when time allows transfering my 1000's of old images from diskettes to CD's. I'm putting each years production on a seperate CD, I've done 2004 and 2005 so far, each taking up about 100 Mb's of space. Interesting looking at all the old pictures, but very hard with some. Lot's of pictuers of former residents. I've also been hired to do a new website for a local business and luckily it's right up my alley.....a women's shoe boutique. The idea has struck me that perhaps a good thing would be to turn Streams into a divorce recovery and women's shoe blog.

So keeping busy is good; perhaps I'll see you at the hospital today, the MHS game in Abilene tonight or perhaps if you're interested in a new pair of Italian pumps, at "So Shoe Me" this morning. And later in the weekend I'll be at the Racquet Club where my alma mater, Pepperdine, is participating in the yearly NCAA warmup tournament. Over and out from Bedford Dr.

Air Sho, Day 3...

The second day of the Air Sho, my third, was one of the best ever. First the business at hand, hauling people hither and yon, went exceedingly well. I had asked several young newcomers to AA to help me drive this weekend and they did wonderfully. There was a dual purpose to this request. First, I needed drivers, and secondly I know that it's good for new AA

members, especially young ones, to get out among people and see that you can have an amazing amount of fun while clean and sober. I think they had a great time, not only driving but cruising with me in my golf cart looking at all the fabulous planes and meeting many of the folks I've gotten to know over the years at the air show.

I met a number of new people at the show too, as I usually do. Driving a golf cart and looking important [though I'm not, believe me] lends itself to people stopping me and asking questions or wanting a ride. I try and give rides to the more elderly, who are usually WWII veterans. And this year we honored all WWII vets so there were more than the usual number. They keep getting older and less able to travel any great distance on foot. They usually are almost embarrassed to ask for assistance, much like my Dad, but when talked aboard they are glad for the ride. I'm more than honored to do it and usually give them a little extra tour of the show to places they may not be able to walk to. It's more than sad to realize that these men who were so young and such heroes to me in my youth will mostly be gone in another 8-10 years. A great privelage to give them a ride indeed.

Being an accomodating host, though I hated to do it, I gave a special tour to a pilot visiting with her group. She was with the Plane Girls. This is an organization for young women in aviation whose purpose is to....well their exact purpose seems to be...well I'm not sure what their purpose is, but if you look at their website, in my book, they don't really need a purpose. I was able to devote an hour or so giving her a close up look at the air show and to talk aviation. And her favorite movie was We Were Soldiers so she was interested to hear some of my inside scoop on the authors etc. My goal is to make all visitors, young and old feel at home.

However the highlight of my day was flying in the show with my friend Gregg Baiano. Gregg is accumulating a growing fleet of Vietnam era helicopters which he is restoring. I've flown with Gregg several times, but never like this! The CAF is adding Vietnam aviation to it's storyline and this year was the first that we've had a complete Vietnam vignette to add. We simulated the rescue of a downed fighter pilot using Gregg's Cobra [above, shot from the open door of the Huey] and one of his Hueys. I was the crew chief on the Huey and personally I think, the star of the show, jumping off the ship to pull the downed pilot in, buckling him in while doing a hot lift off. Well, OK, perhaps the helicopters were the stars, but I had a hell of a lot of fun.

There are not many thrills greater than flying in a Huey at 100 mph. 10 ft. above the ground with the doors open. This was not tame flying either, lots of hard turns and short stops. Just like the old days! And watching the straffing runs of the A1E Skyraiders and then the Cobra from above looked like the real thing, thanks to our great pyrotechnics guys. Many pictures of this and more at:
Air Sho 2006 photos

Air Show, Day 2.....

The first day of the Air Sho went well with good weather, some cloud cover [which makes it easier to spot the planes] with a fairly good breeze which was welcome on a warm day but necessitated the cancelation of some of the lighter and slower planes which fly some of the acts. My able crew and I helped an number of people including many WWII vets, who like my Dad, find it hard to walk even 100 ft. these days without effort. A privelage to assist them.

Here, with new photos added, is the Air Show 2006 photo album.

Air Sho....

It's Air Sho time again, normally one of my favorite, though busy, weekends. I have had a hard time getting geared up for the activities this year, for obvious reasons, but with some small responsibilities there and seeing old friends and meeting new ones I'm sure I'll get into the swing of things. One of the best ways to replace old memories is with new ones, I've been told.

Here are some first photos of Air Show 2006 many more to follow over the weekend.

Hope to see you at the Air Sho.....!

Law's of life.....

The last four months have been an extreme trial affecting me in many ways. One of which is difficutly in gaining sleep easily at night. During the worst I did try Ambien©, which frankly works like a charm. But being reborn in AA I know that one must eventually solve one's own problems without the use of sleep aids or other mood enhancers so I stopped taking it. The result is that I still have many nights where I toss and turn replaying old thoughts in my mind.

For some reason, the other night, the "Law of Unintended Consequences" popped into my brain. Why I'm not sure but I suspect it had something to do with the "attitude of gratitude" learned in AA. This being that each day we all have something to be grateful for and if we concentrate on the positive instead of the negative we are much the better off for it. My prime example is D. Daphne Dog. Left behind by a former resident who no longer had any use for her, she has become a blessing in my life, helping me through these tough times. An unintended positive consequence of a thoughtless negative action.

What was interesting to me in reading the Wikipedia article on that subject was the links to other laws, the most famous being Murhphy's Law. Probably the best known of life's "laws" this states that "anything that can go wrong will". Certainly seemed to apply to me, but even more importantly was the corollary which I had not thought of in a long, long time. Finagles' Corollary to Murphy's Law adds an important point, "anything that can go wrong, will...at the worst possible time" Having your divorce become final a week or so after your dog dies makes me think that I have indeed been "finagled".

As I try and work through the pain, hurt, anger and resentments of this I recall another more West Texas "law". "What goes around comes around". And this, I've learned in 1000's of hours in AA, does indeed come true. Life is not always fair in any given day, month, or even years, but it does even out. So I leave it in God's capable hand to give people what they deserve in life.

Transition Zone.....

I'm still, in fact even more, into transitional thinking brought about by unintended changes [on my part anyway]. I've been trying to clear my mind of recent events and heartaches and in doing so God has opened some doors through some very interesting new people I've met. Where the door leads is not fully apparent, but it seems to be promising.

So with transition in mind, I have over the last several days, been doing some transitional photography. This is what abandoned dogs and photographers do, take pictures of each other.

In the world of photography these are known as sepia's. My artist friend Polly Jackson tells me that in her more chromatic world they are mezzotints. So if you're in Santa Fe pick your medium if you're in West Texas they're basically weird pictures of me and the dog.

*No dogs were harmed in the making of these images

Prayer...

In between other duties this weekend I've been able to attend some of the sessions of the "prayer workshop" at the First United Methodist Church. During the last four months I thought that perhaps God had cut off his intercom to me. I've prayed for answers and guidance on matters big and small and it seemed that things only got worse.

I have been in more regular attendance in church over the last several years and, of course, I am a regualy attendee at AA. AA is spirtitual, church is religous, and for me one has enhanced the other. As we in AA say, "church is for people who don't want to go to Hell, AA is for people who have been there and don't want to go back". A cute saying but one that I don't hold too much to anymore. Several weeks ago while doing some photography work for the church I had a long private chat with head pastor Dr. Tim Walker about my defects, my worries and my pain. It surprised me to hear Dr. Tim say that if he had his way everyone who joined his church would be required to attend AA for a year before they became members. We all have our demons and addictions was his point, and that AA addresses the more humanistic way to become better people through religon.

I believe that I've learned more about "church religon" through the spirituality of AA than I would have otherwise and learned that the two go hand in hand. And I was reminded in AA that my "unanswered" prayers were not that at all. God has a plan for us all and if we will "turn our will and life over to the care of God, as we understand him" then we will be able to let God do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Sometimes WE just need to get out of the way and let God's plan unfold for us. I'm working on that one...

And if I doubt that God has left my prayers unanswered I only have to remember back two weeks ago today, when I had been urgently praying to God that he take The Big Gold Dog in his own time and way. That's exactly what happened and I can never be grateful enough for that. I'm reminded too that there are three answers that God can give to our prayers; yes, no and not now. God is very busy, you can expect a great deal of "not nows".

Here's one of my favorite prayers....learned from reading it in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Sometimes life becomes more difficult, easier, more confusing and clearer all at the same time.

The Transition Zone...

Sometimes feeling like we were left behind with the same compassion that one throws out old newspapers, Daphne and I are glad for new friends to uplift our spirits. Like a visitor who had read about the Big Gold Dog and wanted to meet Daphne.

The Day Dawns Bright.....

Things change, life goes on, but God has a plan for us all. A spiritual base and many friends have helped in leading up to this day. Spiritual growth sometimes comes from hard lessons but I believe what in AA are known as "The Promises"....

If we are painstaking about this phase of our spiritual development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. It's amazing how that works isn't it? Thanks God.

Today's cost of obeying God's will for me: Unfathomable heartache, $275 and time served.

D. Daphne Dog....

It was one week ago today that The Big Gold Dog passed away and as hard as it's been I don't think that I could have made it without D. Daphne Dog. D. Daphne has had a hard summer too. She was originally an abandoned puppy and then this summer she was left behind again by her previous owners. A tough deal for a dog not seeing familiar faces ever again. But she adapted well and it was nice for me to know that she was inside with Tres when I was gone during the day. I think they were good companions.

Now Tres is gone and Daphne is having, along with me, to adjust again. She's doing well but never leaves my side where ever I am. I'm sure she may be enjoying this promotion from spare dog to main dog, as Tres occupied much of my time in the last several months. And I'm enjoying her too. She loves to ride with me on various errands and being a smaller dog than Tres I don't feel bad about taking her along in the car and leaving her for a few moments as I run into the photo processors, cleaners or where ever. If ever a dog loved to ride, it's Daphne.

And she is a hoot. A very smart and inquisitive dog she's always up to something. This past week I had the DeAnda family interior contractors in repairing the leak damage in the den. There were sheet rock guys, plasterers and painters. Every time a new worker came in, we had to stop all work so that Freddy DeAnda could show them D. Daphnes tricks. On my question, "where's your toy"?, her ears stand up, she searches and finds her rope where ever it was in the house. Same with the ball, she knows the difference. But her "roll-over" was the show stopper. I don't understand much Spanish, but I could tell the guys were impressed.

Thanks D. Daphne for getting me through the week.

On the road again.....?

Before I delve into today's headline subject, I have to take a moment to once again thank and express my heartfelt gratitude to all those many, many people who left comments, emailed or phoned me concerning the passing of my best buddy Tres. It lifts my spirits to think that a Big Gold Dog and his love could affect so many people, for the messages weren't for me, they were for him. I know he got them. Thanks again, and when I regain my composure on that subject I intend to relate in more detail what a spiritual experience it was to be awakened by him as he left this world....a fact I've become more sure of in the last days. Since then, and dog owners know this, I have thought I've seen him sometimes sleeping in his old spots and last night as I walked barefoot over the tile floors where he used to sleep all night, I thought I actually felt a warm spot like I used to notice for hours after he'd gotten up...

So, On the road again? I think so. Daphne and I have been talking. It's sad to us that since last May the number of inhabitants at the Bedford Dr. estate has dwindled from a happy and joyous five living occupants [OK, some happy and joyous] to a paltry two inhabitants pared down by departures of both the heavenly and moving van variety. We are the expendable ones and we've been thinking of loading up the car and hitting the road.

My daily happiness doesn't revolve around having to have some trip in the planning stage, but I do like to get up and go occasionally. In the last year or so however, travel didn't seem as important as taking care of ailing dogs and Dad's. Tres is now on his last great trip and my Dad has nursing care several times a week, so it seems like a good time to venture forth upon the open road. In fact the Big Gold Dog and I used to motor around on occasion, our favorite spot being the Gage Hotel in Marathon, Texas, where they loved to accomodate both humans and dogs alike. We spent several wonderful nights there rocking on the front porch talking to interesting folks. There's nothing like a Big Gold Dog to help make friends. We also visited the Marfa lights, I saw them, Tres didn't. And I have to add that a former resident did plan some wonderful trips for us, frankly some of my happiest times, which I will remember for ever. But that's the past.

The future is that D. Daphne and I are going to be heading Northwest on a photo odyssey. The first three stops are planned and mostly booked. First will be the Hurd Gallery B&B in San Particio, New Mexico which is mostly booked if I can convince Michael Hurd that D. Daphne is OK to stay in the rooms. Next and completely booked today is onward to Galisteo, NM and the home of my artist friend Woody Gwin. Woody and his wife, Diana live in an historic adobe hacienda with guest quarters. Daphne and I will be the guests.

Next will be a short hop up to Santa Fe to the hacienda home of acquaintance Steve Northup, a celebrated Vietnam combat photographer. Steve's wife has also recently departed, she via the heavenly route. I say acquaintance because I've never met Steve personally, but have talked to him on the phone many times and emailed even more asking photo questions. He's often invited me up for a little personal instruction. Not a bad teacher, he's been nominated for three Pulitzer Prizes.

So we're in Santa Fe and where to next? As long as we're that far, and we're going to have think about this, but neither D. Daphne nor I have never been to Monument Valley. I've always wanted to see where all the John Ford westerns were filmed and, of course, it's a must once in a lifetime for any semi-serious photographer. And as long as we're there San Francisco is not out of the question. That's doubtful, but when you get driving it's hard to stop. I love San Francisco and haven't been there in ages.

The New Mexico portion is a must, October is my favorite month there. I assume we'll be leaving as soon as business and the Air Show are taken care of here at the beginning of October, in between football photo assignments and before my next sojourn to San Antonio in late October. The open road beckons....

The passing of The Big Gold Dog....

The Big Gold Dog, Tres, passed away without pain or discomfort and on his own according to God's will this morning at about 6:40 a.m. Both he and I were as prepared as we could be. Last night, as I have done for years I sat with him before I went to bed saying, "I love you, you big old dog". He was alert, looked particularly contented and knew I was there. I'm glad those were the last words he ever heard. I knew the end was near and dear friend that he was he went on his own without having to force me to make that painful last decision. I'm grateful to God that at least during the last several months he was able to enjoy his front yard and the many people who loved him and stopped to stroke his golden head. Or his friends like Snoopy, who got to stop by for one last visit in the final weeks. There has been no better friend on earth nor a more gentle soul.....

If there is any creature on earth that will be granted "express check-in" to God's eternal kingdom it will be the Big Gold Dog. He was my best buddy on earth and he taught me the true meaning of unconditional love, not only his for me, but hopefully mine for him too. His strength and will to go on doing the things he loved in the last month was remarkable. He now lies buried in my folks yard next to my last great golden pal "Ranger".

I know that he left me at 6:40 because, for a reason I didn't understand then, I awoke abruptly at the moment. As I have done for these last months of his illness I got up and went to look down the hall, not far from my bed, to check on him. He looked to be slumbering peacefully, which I now know he was, asleep in God's arms and waiting at the Rainbow Bridge. I went back to sleep and when I checked on him when I awoke again, I realized that he was gone, looking as peaceful and serene as he always has. I now know why I awoke at 6:40; I firmly believe that he left this good earth at that moment and his spirit passed over me one last time, letting me know he was going.

I held his head in my arms and told him goodbye again, and as I let Daphne in, she went right to his side and lay down next to him, knowing too that he was gone. I then called my friend and AA sponsor Robert who lives down the street to see if he could help move Tres to my parents yard where he would be buried. He said, of course, and was right there helping me move Tres to one of his favorite blankets in which we carried him gently to my folks.

I then I went to church, where Dr. Tim Walker, who had met the Big Gold Dog, offered to make a special prayer for Tres. Next to an after chruch AA meeting where most members knew of Tres' illness and offered their prayers for him. I had arranged for another Robert, a man I sponsor in AA, to come to the burial site to help me dig the grave for Tres and true to his word, he came as soon as I called. When I knew that Robert was on the way, I'll have to say that I finally broke down and sobbed like I have not done in decades, the finality of my best buddy's death had finally hit home.

Robert and I dug a nice grave in a shady spot of my folks yard, next to Ranger, my last Golden. With my folks in attendance we had a nice moment of silence followed by prayers from Robert and Myself. Tres was wrapped in his beautiful and clean blanket and I laid one of my favorite sweatshirts, one filled with my scent under his head as well one of his favorites treats, a rawhide bone. Robert and I closed his grave and I laid a golden lily over where his heart now rests. I had brought Dahpne to say good bye to her pal, and as a gift from God, she laid down right atop his resting place, a fitting tribute I thought.

I cannot tell you enough what the outpouring of emails, phone calls and personal sympathy that I have received today mean to me, as well as the beautiful flower arrangement sent by my old friends the Bynums. It's nice to know that although some people see fit to leave our lives at hard times like these, there are more than enough caring ones to take their place.

I went to two funerals yesterday, one for an old AA friend who had died elsewhere but had chosen to be buried next to her husband in Odessa. Kathy was from an old family in North Carolina, and although only 5 of her close family had flown out for the memorial the amount of flowers sent was staggering. As we left they invited me to take one of the arrangements, which I gladly did, a beautiful fall bouquet of fresh flowers that featured gold and rust tones. I chose these because they would match the living room decor. Kathy's sister told me of the strange coincidence that of all those arrangements I had picked the one that was sent by my friend Patti in North Carolina who had been instrumental in helping me get sober many years ago......and who had emailed me each day asking of Tres' condition. It wasn't until I knew that Tres was gone that I realized the significance of my choice of that golden bouquet, it was a gift from God to me early today, a message that Tres, the Big Gold Dog was home.

I don't mind telling you that I've been sobbing uncontrollably at times with the finality of my loss, there have been very few days over the last 10 or so years that I have not had him by my side. Tonight will be the worst, not having him laying with me in the office and not sleeping down the hall outside the bedroom. But with all the heartache I've had lately, God did give me another gift, D. Daphne Dog who will help with the continuity of my life and be a good companion to help ease the pain. In fact we're going walking right now.

I'm grateful for the skill and true caring of my Vet and friend Dr. Greg Adkins who stopped by almost daily to check and minister to Tres. Again, I cannot offer my profound thanks enough to all who cared about my best buddy, The Big Gold Dog.

To be free.....

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you wll be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words, do it anyway, and you will be free. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness, resentment and hatred, you will now feel compassion, understanding and love. And you will be free....

From the Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 552.