The Doldrums...

In spite of my best efforts, some days are just the doldrums for me lately. Losing loved ones will do that. Departed wives, stepsons, dogs and soon dads are not easy things to handle. Anger, resentment and sadness are things that will pass, with some work, but we have to let them run their course.

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

In moments like these I start to think, a dangerous game sometimes for me. I get to thinking about cashing in the chips and moving to new locales. The "geographical cure" we call it in AA. If I'm not happy here every moment, surely I will be joyful every day if only [take your pick] I lived somewhere else, I did something else, I was with someone else.

In 1998 I associated myself with a group of guys in the oil business who were mostly working for themselves, but for the common good of us all. They were engineers, geologists and landmen. We all contributed money and/or professional services to get projects done. Since I was not in any of those professions we decided that my niche should be starting a mineral interest [royalty] buying program. Those were dark days in the petroleum business with oil prices dipping below $10/bbl. at one point. Mineral interests were proportionally cheap. Most of our partners and some outside investors would put up the money to purchase the interests while I organized the program, did the leg work and bought the minerals. For my work, I received a 10% direct participation in the fund. We bought minerals for three years.

Since then, things in the oil business have changed, to say the least. Oil prices have risen 5-8 times higher now increasing our funds worth by at least that much and drilling has increased on our holdings further adding to the value. My stake has grown from nice to really nice which is what gets me thinking. Cash it all in, move to New Mexico and be forever and eternally blissful.

Then, that AA trained voice in my head kicks in with the sometimes sad but always true axiom, "Where ever you go, there you are". Damn AA sometimes, but I remember what Abe Lincoln said, too; "People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be". Where ever they are....

Pleasant day into night...

A good day to forget cares and woes while working with a good crowd on a beautiful day at the Sibley Center History Day and later, thanks to a kind invitation, a pleasant interlude this evening.

Living History.....

Cardinals: World Champions!

For those around the Midland area, especially if you have grade school children, you might like to visit the Sibley Nature Center's living history day on Saturday. Today was MISD day and we had close to 900 kids through the exhibits. Most appeared to be paying close attention to the "buffalo soldiers", ranch cooks and civil war soldiers, but all were thrilled when the muskets fired and the cannon's roared. A good time seemed to be had by the kids, as you can tell from this photo of my friend Martha and her class.

History Day pictures...

One day at a time...

I think it's important for my Dad to try and retain as much of normal life as he possibly can. Thursday has been our barbeque day for a year or so, one of his most enjoyed diversions. He loves to be out in public on the off chance of catching one of his old pals for a moment of conversation. Frankly he also enjoys escaping the clutches of negativity he encounters at home. His attitude changes dramatically when we have made the trip downtown and for the hour or so we sit in the restaurant.

Unforunately with his latest problems we haven't been able to make the trip; but I have picked up the barbeque and taken it to him. Today when I called to make sure he felt up to eating fat on a bun, I was rather shocked. His voice was as it had been 20 years ago, strong, clear and without hesitation. It was so different it really took me aback. I asked if he wanted me to pick up the sandwiches. Surprisingly he asked if he could ride along, though he didn't quite feel up to going inside. I picked him up and he made the trip in admirable fashion, especially enjoying the visit by several longtime employees of Johnny's who always ask me about him whenever I go in alone.

I really hated to take him back so soon, as his attitude soon sank back slowly. The thought of being back inside for the day and frankly my dear sainted mother were, I suppose the cause of this. How someone can continually find the dark lining inside a silver cloud as she does is beyond me. If you try, you can always find negatives in every person or situation, just as you can find positives. Why some people insist on dwelling on the former is a mystery to me and one that frankly I've had to face several times in the last four or five months. Negative thinking yields negative results. But my Dad and I cope with this the best we can. Sadly, I'm now to the point of sneaking large chocolate bars into him, which he hides in his bedroom. He makes a point of telling me not to let her see them.

But, my Dad and I had a pleasant ride on a beautiful fall day and for that I'm grateful. Tomorrow he and I have plans to bust him out for a trip to Swensons.

The Key....

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation---some fact of my life ---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutetly nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. When I focus on what's good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what's bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on a problem, the problem increases; If I focus on the answer, the answer increases.


From the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 417

In the past months of run-away brides, dearly departed dogs, dying Dads and difficult Mothers, acceptance is indeed the key to whatever serenity I have in life.

I cannot make someone love me, keep Dad's or dogs from dying, nor at 83 years of age expect my Mother to change a lifetime of emotional character. I can, however, chose to accept these facts as they are and make the decision to do the next right thing, for me and those around me. God has a plan for me. I think he's narrowed it down to three choices: A] a rubber room in the looney bin. B] on a slab with a broken heart [literally] or C] becoming a stronger, wiser and more useful human being. God gives us the basics, it's up to us to carry it out. I choose "C", "A" and "B" are rather unappealing to me right now.

Balancing act...

Life with elderly parents these days is a balancing act. I juggle trying to understand my Mother's stress and help her cope, while countering her fatalistic attitude with a positive game face around my dying Dad. Like a high wire act we get perilously close to losing it and then regain balance and move on.

Today I signed the papers for my Dad to enter into home hospice, but not without some cross words between my Mom and Dad, who in their fear and anxiety say things I know they don't really mean. One moment my Mom decides that she can't handle this anymore, while my Dad says he's ready to go to a home and die, not easy to hear. But with a few moments of quiet and then some words about the reality, we're back on track to matters at hand.

The hospice people stress that their care does not mean the end, in fact, they say many people live for years in hospice and some even recover and end the service. Realistically these probably don't apply to my Dad, but he and I like to hear a positive attitude. This notwithstanding, I knew that by signing I was writing the final chapter in his life. Not an easy thing to do, but the care promises to solve problems for us all.

Two kind nurses spent all morning with us evaluating the situation, telling us of their services and making some initial suggestions. I was more than glad to be able to get them aside and ask them to try and help my Mom handle the situation in a more positive and less stressful manner. My dear Mother is the type of person, with whom I am not unfamiliar, who tends to make up her mind based on facts of her own invention, decide she's right and act on them.

My Dad's one joy, it seems lately, is eating loads of ice cream and chocolate bars. My Mom has decided that he should be eating only healthy foods, which she prepares, and that all the sweets is one of the things that has set him back. She has been somewhat miserly in doling these treats out to my Dad causing cross words between them. I've tried to dispel this theory, but with little success. I was therefore extremely pleased that when she told of how she was cutting back on the sweets the nurses said, don't, the fat and calories are good for him. Score one for the truth.

I had a nice spiritual refresher after the tough morning however; I had been asked to photograph the stained glass windows in the sanctuary of the First United Methodist Church and today seemed like a good day for that. So I had a quiet respite beneath those lovely windows and later a personal serenade by the practicing organist. While in church I often like to look at the beauty of the windows, especially the ones on the south side which receive so much sunlight and around noon today they were stunning. The windows portray Biblical figures as well as a few important founders of the Methodist Church such as John Wesley and the Texas Tech Red Raider guy seen here. Lest anyone in particular think I am sinful and making fun of the Methodist windows, this resemblance was first pointed out to me in church one day by an elderly, very pious and longstanding member of the church.

The balancing act goes on one day at a time and for today I'm grateful that we finally have made a positive decision about my Dad's care. I do alright with this mostly, but late at night it is hard to think about four living souls who you loved most in the world either dead, dying or having left on their own. Some days my own balancing act is just to keep a positive outlook. It sure is nice to see Daphne wagging her tail all day.

A "B" and an "F"....

My photo experimentation last night with the borrowed Nikon went well as an experiment, I learned many things. I learned that when I get a good digital SLR I'll definetly read the manual. I got some stunning shots of fairly still subjects but shooting the main football action was a bust.

As most photographer know, light is a quirky thing. Night time, stadium lights and fast moving subjects are difficult to handle even with a camera one knows well, next to impossible with one you know only the basics of. I chose to take the camera off of "auto" and do the program settings myself. One of the few drawbacks of this particular Nikon is that if, while on "auto", it deems there to be not enough light, the flash automatically goes off. An annoying and unneeded system and perhaps there is a way to turn it off, but it escaped me last night. So.....basically the settings I chose, and I tried many, were not giving me a high enough ISO nor enough shutter speed to match the appeture settings necessary for the lighting conditions.

My action shots were crap as sports photos, but looking on the bright side as I do, they'll make great "art" shots. The players are elongated blurs against the stationary background, pretty cool looking really. But the booster parents want to see their boys, not blurs, so I get an "F" on that subject. However, the daughter of one of my friends is an MHS cheerleader and the Mom asked me to get shots of the girls, which I did. Her daughter is a stunningly beautiful girl and very photogenic. Great shots there for which I grade out a strong "B" I think. I'd post some, but don't want to be accused of being chauvanistic so instead I give you a perennial favorite... a lady with a baby. A neighbor with her God daughter at a party tonight.

Keeping things in focus...

As my friend, professional sports photographer Eddie Ray Merritt, mentioned several weeks ago, photography is one pursuit where the quality and price of your equipment does matter. In golf, if you are good, you can beat the pants off anyone using $300 clubs while your opponents sticks are in the $1200 range. In photography, you can be good, but never great using lesser cameras. Not that I'll be great, but I would like to improve.

In America we are so blessed that few of us actually need anything, but I need a new camera. I have two very fine 35 mm. cameras, but my digital shooter is a 1998 model Sony. A camera bought in the last century. The advancements in digital photography since then are astounding. However, one advantage of using my old camera is that I've been forced to stick to the fundamentals of photography and to learn some new creative techniques to get good prints.

I have been considering two new cameras, one a Pentax the other a Nikon. Through the generosity of an AA friend, I am getting the feel of a very good Nikon DSLR this weekend. I learned recently that my attorney friend, whom I've known for years, is a very good photographer himself; his favorite subject is shooting macro shots of columbine plants. We all have our niches!

He lent me not only his camera, but his whole stash of lenses and accessories. I've been busy learing the quirks of the system in the last day in preparation for shooting the Midland High football game tonight. What a pleasure it is to have genuine depth of field, have sharp true colors and see detail more clearly. And to be able to get over 500 shots in one session, rapid fire shots to boot, nice for sports action. The difference in cameras for me is about like switching from driving a 1957 VW Bug to a Corvette.

Go Cardinals!

Willie's Words of Wisdom...

"It's been rough and rocky travelin',
but my feet are firmly planted on the ground,
And after taking several readings,
I'm surprised to find my mind still fairly sound....."

The words of Willie Nelson ring true with me today, although I have to say that my mind is only fairly sound, and even that comes with a lot of work on a day to day basis. One of the abiding gifts AA has given me is the concept of "an attitude of gratitude". I heard that from an old timer when I first came into that program. He told me, and others, "it's impossible to be angry, resentful and full of self-pity if you are truly grateful for God's gifts to you each day".

God's gifts, no matter how small, like seeing my Dad be able to get out of bed today and walk, on his own, into the kitchen to eat our traditional Thursday Johnny's Barbeque lunch. For the last year he and I have made the trip down to the restaurant one of his regular outings, but for the time being, that's not possible, so the lunch comes to him. Small things become big things at this stage of life, for him and for me.

And whenever I think of St. Willie these days I cannot help but remember another of his philosophical classics...

"Well it's a bloody mary morning,
baby left me without warning sometime in the night,
so I'm flying down to Houston,
with forgetting her the nature of my flight"

But that is stinkin' thinkin' and an old tape playing in my head, not applicable today.

A month gone by....

It was a month ago today that the Big Gold Dog passed away, within a week of another sad personal finale in my life. One would think that this is about as much as God would give one person for awhile, but God has a plan of his own and it is revealed to me slowly and in His time.

Within the last month my Dad, who has terminal respiratory failure, has been slipping. He has been in for two hospital stays, the current one being for a week as of today. My sister is fond of saying, "we are all dying from the moment we are born", somewhat easier for her to say since I'm the one watching it occur while she lives elsewhere. But she is correct, we are all slipping slowly away, but my Dad will go before most of us who are reading these words. I've been at the hospital twice a day for the last week; three times today already, preparing for him to come home. This has been my goal, to get him home and to be as comfortable as possible and frankly to be a positive influence to counter my Mother's fatalism as well as to consider some tough medical decisions that, understandably, she finds hard to make.

He has rebounded from these episodes before, but realistically we know that this is a progressive and ultimately fatal disease. My friend and saint, Dr. Paul Best, has told me that his condition is not good and his well being will become a day to day affair. My family is blessed in that they can afford home nursing care when needed, my mother has help in the home and yard and I live only minutes from them. I am grateful that I can be of help and be with him as much as possible and that I have friends who support me; like an old friend whom my Dad knows, who took the time this morning to visit him.

I'm also grateful to the Big Gold Dog who recently gave me the experience of knowing what it is like to do the best you can for a dying loved one, enjoying the time you have left with them...and then to let them go when God is ready for them.

And I hope you understand my joy in the air show and tennis pictures. Those two weekends were the about the only respite I've had from a summer and fall of sadness, heartache, worry and stress. But....there's football coming again on Friday and life goes on according to God's plan.

5 O'Clock update: On my fourth trip to the hospital today I was able to bust "Big Wally" out. He's now back home resting comfortably. It's very hard to watch a man who used to be an excellent tennis player, an avid golfer, who walked and fought his way through Italy, a problem solver, now be able to only walk a few steps without tiring and be dependent on others to make decisions for him. But, like the Big Gold Dog, I still see the spark in his eye and the willingness to do what it takes to go on another day. In fact, my Dad felt so good to be out of the dark confines of Midland Memorial late this afternoon that he asked if we might just cruise around town a little and stop to get a candy bar. And so we did on a beautiful fall afternoon.

Tennis Final...

A moral victory in the Racquet Club NCAA tournament for the Pepperdine Women's Tennis Team as they were represented in all three final matches; singles, doubles and the consolidation match. Sylvia Kosakowski played in the final's, but lost a close three set match to a very good Russian player representing Baylor. Anete Bandere lost her consolation match as well, but teamed up with Sylvia to win the Women's Doubles title to beat a very good team from the University of New Mexico.
Lot's of tennis this weekend and so enjoyable with my friend Coach Gualberto Escaduro and the girls of the team. Nice folks all.

Here are some pictures of the weekend: Pepperdine Women's matches

More tennis...

The Pepperdine tennis team is doing well at the Racquet Club NCAA Invitational. My friend Sylvia had a close call in her second match which went three sets and she had to battle back from a 4-1 game deficit in the third to triumph. True championship material. Anete is on a roll too, having defeated her opponent in straight sets. Both move on this afternoon to another round and then Sylvia has to play yet again in a doubles match. A good fall day for tennis although the matches have had to stop several times for light rain.

Here is a good reason I love Pepperdine Tennis. Sylvia is next to me on the right and Tanya is at far left. Tanya is from Latvia and speaks not only her native tongue but also English, Russian and German.

Tennis Anyone....?

A good lunch break and late afternoon for tennis. Beautiful weather for rooting the Pepperdine Wave on to victory. My young friend Sylvia, last years surprise champion of the Racquet Club NCAA tournament, is seeded #1 in the women's division this year and has done well so far with a bye in the first round and easily defeating her opponent from Rice in the second. Tomorrow she starts early in women's doubles.

If you have any interest in tennis you ought to attend, some top level collegiate teams both mens and womens including Texas, USC, UCLA and Notre Dame.

Trudging the road......

After one of the best Air Show's ever for me, I'm back to life's plain and simple minutia. I've been busy this week at oil/gas business affairs with any extra time spent running back and forth to the hospital to check on my Dad or down to the Salvation Army to pick up Robert my AA charge. Some days I'm not sure who is sponsoring whom, as Robert calls every day asking me, "how are you doing". I appreciate that.

How I'm doing is actually a day to day affair. In spite of snarky commentary from both sides over the months, I do miss the former residents greatly and, of course, the Big Gold Dog. Life is not the same without them around and I had a dream about them just last night. But change is the only constant in life and those who survive with any serenity at all, alter course, accept life on life's terms and make the necessary adjustments.

The digital world is still interesting, keeping me very busy at night with updates to the Midland High Football website and when time allows transfering my 1000's of old images from diskettes to CD's. I'm putting each years production on a seperate CD, I've done 2004 and 2005 so far, each taking up about 100 Mb's of space. Interesting looking at all the old pictures, but very hard with some. Lot's of pictuers of former residents. I've also been hired to do a new website for a local business and luckily it's right up my alley.....a women's shoe boutique. The idea has struck me that perhaps a good thing would be to turn Streams into a divorce recovery and women's shoe blog.

So keeping busy is good; perhaps I'll see you at the hospital today, the MHS game in Abilene tonight or perhaps if you're interested in a new pair of Italian pumps, at "So Shoe Me" this morning. And later in the weekend I'll be at the Racquet Club where my alma mater, Pepperdine, is participating in the yearly NCAA warmup tournament. Over and out from Bedford Dr.

Air Sho, Day 3...

The second day of the Air Sho, my third, was one of the best ever. First the business at hand, hauling people hither and yon, went exceedingly well. I had asked several young newcomers to AA to help me drive this weekend and they did wonderfully. There was a dual purpose to this request. First, I needed drivers, and secondly I know that it's good for new AA

members, especially young ones, to get out among people and see that you can have an amazing amount of fun while clean and sober. I think they had a great time, not only driving but cruising with me in my golf cart looking at all the fabulous planes and meeting many of the folks I've gotten to know over the years at the air show.

I met a number of new people at the show too, as I usually do. Driving a golf cart and looking important [though I'm not, believe me] lends itself to people stopping me and asking questions or wanting a ride. I try and give rides to the more elderly, who are usually WWII veterans. And this year we honored all WWII vets so there were more than the usual number. They keep getting older and less able to travel any great distance on foot. They usually are almost embarrassed to ask for assistance, much like my Dad, but when talked aboard they are glad for the ride. I'm more than honored to do it and usually give them a little extra tour of the show to places they may not be able to walk to. It's more than sad to realize that these men who were so young and such heroes to me in my youth will mostly be gone in another 8-10 years. A great privelage to give them a ride indeed.

Being an accomodating host, though I hated to do it, I gave a special tour to a pilot visiting with her group. She was with the Plane Girls. This is an organization for young women in aviation whose purpose is to....well their exact purpose seems to be...well I'm not sure what their purpose is, but if you look at their website, in my book, they don't really need a purpose. I was able to devote an hour or so giving her a close up look at the air show and to talk aviation. And her favorite movie was We Were Soldiers so she was interested to hear some of my inside scoop on the authors etc. My goal is to make all visitors, young and old feel at home.

However the highlight of my day was flying in the show with my friend Gregg Baiano. Gregg is accumulating a growing fleet of Vietnam era helicopters which he is restoring. I've flown with Gregg several times, but never like this! The CAF is adding Vietnam aviation to it's storyline and this year was the first that we've had a complete Vietnam vignette to add. We simulated the rescue of a downed fighter pilot using Gregg's Cobra [above, shot from the open door of the Huey] and one of his Hueys. I was the crew chief on the Huey and personally I think, the star of the show, jumping off the ship to pull the downed pilot in, buckling him in while doing a hot lift off. Well, OK, perhaps the helicopters were the stars, but I had a hell of a lot of fun.

There are not many thrills greater than flying in a Huey at 100 mph. 10 ft. above the ground with the doors open. This was not tame flying either, lots of hard turns and short stops. Just like the old days! And watching the straffing runs of the A1E Skyraiders and then the Cobra from above looked like the real thing, thanks to our great pyrotechnics guys. Many pictures of this and more at:
Air Sho 2006 photos

Air Show, Day 2.....

The first day of the Air Sho went well with good weather, some cloud cover [which makes it easier to spot the planes] with a fairly good breeze which was welcome on a warm day but necessitated the cancelation of some of the lighter and slower planes which fly some of the acts. My able crew and I helped an number of people including many WWII vets, who like my Dad, find it hard to walk even 100 ft. these days without effort. A privelage to assist them.

Here, with new photos added, is the Air Show 2006 photo album.

Air Sho....

It's Air Sho time again, normally one of my favorite, though busy, weekends. I have had a hard time getting geared up for the activities this year, for obvious reasons, but with some small responsibilities there and seeing old friends and meeting new ones I'm sure I'll get into the swing of things. One of the best ways to replace old memories is with new ones, I've been told.

Here are some first photos of Air Show 2006 many more to follow over the weekend.

Hope to see you at the Air Sho.....!

Law's of life.....

The last four months have been an extreme trial affecting me in many ways. One of which is difficutly in gaining sleep easily at night. During the worst I did try Ambien©, which frankly works like a charm. But being reborn in AA I know that one must eventually solve one's own problems without the use of sleep aids or other mood enhancers so I stopped taking it. The result is that I still have many nights where I toss and turn replaying old thoughts in my mind.

For some reason, the other night, the "Law of Unintended Consequences" popped into my brain. Why I'm not sure but I suspect it had something to do with the "attitude of gratitude" learned in AA. This being that each day we all have something to be grateful for and if we concentrate on the positive instead of the negative we are much the better off for it. My prime example is D. Daphne Dog. Left behind by a former resident who no longer had any use for her, she has become a blessing in my life, helping me through these tough times. An unintended positive consequence of a thoughtless negative action.

What was interesting to me in reading the Wikipedia article on that subject was the links to other laws, the most famous being Murhphy's Law. Probably the best known of life's "laws" this states that "anything that can go wrong will". Certainly seemed to apply to me, but even more importantly was the corollary which I had not thought of in a long, long time. Finagles' Corollary to Murphy's Law adds an important point, "anything that can go wrong, will...at the worst possible time" Having your divorce become final a week or so after your dog dies makes me think that I have indeed been "finagled".

As I try and work through the pain, hurt, anger and resentments of this I recall another more West Texas "law". "What goes around comes around". And this, I've learned in 1000's of hours in AA, does indeed come true. Life is not always fair in any given day, month, or even years, but it does even out. So I leave it in God's capable hand to give people what they deserve in life.

Transition Zone.....

I'm still, in fact even more, into transitional thinking brought about by unintended changes [on my part anyway]. I've been trying to clear my mind of recent events and heartaches and in doing so God has opened some doors through some very interesting new people I've met. Where the door leads is not fully apparent, but it seems to be promising.

So with transition in mind, I have over the last several days, been doing some transitional photography. This is what abandoned dogs and photographers do, take pictures of each other.

In the world of photography these are known as sepia's. My artist friend Polly Jackson tells me that in her more chromatic world they are mezzotints. So if you're in Santa Fe pick your medium if you're in West Texas they're basically weird pictures of me and the dog.

*No dogs were harmed in the making of these images

Prayer...

In between other duties this weekend I've been able to attend some of the sessions of the "prayer workshop" at the First United Methodist Church. During the last four months I thought that perhaps God had cut off his intercom to me. I've prayed for answers and guidance on matters big and small and it seemed that things only got worse.

I have been in more regular attendance in church over the last several years and, of course, I am a regualy attendee at AA. AA is spirtitual, church is religous, and for me one has enhanced the other. As we in AA say, "church is for people who don't want to go to Hell, AA is for people who have been there and don't want to go back". A cute saying but one that I don't hold too much to anymore. Several weeks ago while doing some photography work for the church I had a long private chat with head pastor Dr. Tim Walker about my defects, my worries and my pain. It surprised me to hear Dr. Tim say that if he had his way everyone who joined his church would be required to attend AA for a year before they became members. We all have our demons and addictions was his point, and that AA addresses the more humanistic way to become better people through religon.

I believe that I've learned more about "church religon" through the spirituality of AA than I would have otherwise and learned that the two go hand in hand. And I was reminded in AA that my "unanswered" prayers were not that at all. God has a plan for us all and if we will "turn our will and life over to the care of God, as we understand him" then we will be able to let God do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Sometimes WE just need to get out of the way and let God's plan unfold for us. I'm working on that one...

And if I doubt that God has left my prayers unanswered I only have to remember back two weeks ago today, when I had been urgently praying to God that he take The Big Gold Dog in his own time and way. That's exactly what happened and I can never be grateful enough for that. I'm reminded too that there are three answers that God can give to our prayers; yes, no and not now. God is very busy, you can expect a great deal of "not nows".

Here's one of my favorite prayers....learned from reading it in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Sometimes life becomes more difficult, easier, more confusing and clearer all at the same time.