Baaaaad Dog...!

As I've mentioned, D. Daphne Dog has been very much a blessing throughout the last months. Always happy and wagging her tail, always active and inquisative about things; it's just nice to have her around. And for a dog that was not really house trained when she was given her reprieve to start living inside....she's done remarkably well. Only one, maybe two "pee pee" incidents and one "poop".

She's easily trainable and has learned to let me know when she needs to go out to "potty" [a generic term for either of the two functions mentioned above]. She whines. Of course she whines for a lot of other reasons too, so I have had to learn the "potty" whine. I learned it after the second and final "pee pee" episode I think.

Anyway you get the drift, Daphne has come a long way baby. But she does have her moments when, I believe, the trauma of her past life causes her to act out. Last night she acted out on our luxurious quilted bedspread, ripping a hole smack dab in the middle and pulling the stuffing out. I say luxurious, perhaps it was more like a pretty old, somewhat ratty bedspread. But it is now where Daphne sleeps, me too, so to her I'm sure it seemed luxurious. Why she did this is open for discussion but I think that the pain and trauma of being forced to stay outdoors during her childhood years sometimes is too much for her to bear. Also the bedspread was on the floor as I washed the sheets, so it presented a target of opportunity too great not to unleash her inner aggressions on.

But no mind, a bedspread is just stuff, a dog is a dog, dogs are more important than stuff. But she had to be reprimanded and so I used the technique used by some women I've known....a good dose of sour looks and quilt. Guilt, at least on me, works better than any other form of punishment. Even when I've done nothing wrong, some women have that certain knack of imparting the suggestion of guilt that makes me wonder. Though I may be perfectly innocent "now", they presume that I may have done this wrong in the past or perhaps might do it in the future, so why not be made to feel guilty about it "now".

So this was Daphne's punishment. One she's seen before. She's a master of deflection however. I usually start out with {low tone} "Daphne, did you do this"? At which time she starts glancing around looking for any other dogs I might be talking to. Since the Big Gold Dog is no longer here to deflect suspicion onto, Daphne now gets nowhere with this technique. Next I bring her over and have her sit down right in front of the evidence and, knowing that she's almost human I speak to her like a child, "Daphne, why oh why did you do this to our "good" bedspread". I can also read her mind. She's thinking, "Daphne, why oh why did you get caught".

After five or so minutes of constant low tone guilt imparting to Daphne, she'd had enough and decided to just lie down sad eyed and take it. I knew this was sufficient so I asked, "Daphne, do you have to go potty". At which time she bounded to the back door, did her business and when she came in I gave her a treat and said, "Good Dog". Dog and man happy as larks once again.....

Praise Be......

After a month long struggle, I finally completed the sale of my Dad's car late yesterday afternoon. As described previously, this has been an ordeal. Begun two weeks before my Dad passed away, completed two weeks after his death.

After a saga of trying to get funds transfered in, the delay due to my Dad's passing and then my sainted Mother "misplacing" the title, it's over, signed sealed and delivered, all completed at the Midland County Annex without a trip to Odessa. A friendly state employee tipped me off to the fact that I would not have to get the title reissued in my Dads' name if I would provide the proper forms and documents, including a death certificate. So, after a day of procuring and signing said forms I met the purchaser, nurse Bobby with check in hand, to close the deal. I was, however, fully prepared to have some minor bureaucratic snag delay the deal once more. "Oh you don't have Texas form TX24354, 'dispostion of a deceased WWII veterans vehicle', sorry you'll have to get that signed." But no problems. Deal done.

It was, however, sad seeing the car that I used to see my Dad tooling around in being driven off to Odessa. But the car won't miss a beat, and it's rather appropriate.....Nurse Bobby is a heavy smoker.

Time Marches On.....

Over the past 15 or so years that I've been back in Midland I occasionally have had fraternity brothers stop by while in town on business or when just traveling through. But time marches on and now I have children of my fraternity brothers calling to visit while in town on business.

Today I had a nice visit with Lauren, one of the daughters of my fishing pal John Stephens. A lovely and smart woman with a degree in finance from UT who works for oil entrepeneurs in Houston. She looks like her Dad, though a whole lot cuter.

Duckumentary....

Noting my new career as a duck photographer, alert reader Martha P. suggests..."Maybe you should produce a “duckumentary”.

Coated with memories....

I had to be at a function mid-morning today when the temperature was still very chilly. I decided to wear a forest green fleece jacket that I hadn't worn since last years cold weather.

As I drove to the event, the sunlight caught many straw colored hairs on the coat; left overs from a blonde woman and a golden dog. Both gone. One who couldn't wait to leave while the other was desperate to stay. So many memories, complicated and sad, all because of a few hairs on a coat.

Sometimes I'm sorry that I'm a big emotional sap like this.....mostly though I'm not.

Lunching with the stars.....

As I mentioned, I have dined out for lunch every day this week with some of the finest people and greatest minds of the 21st Century. Tuesday it was the Media Magnates of the local blog scene, Wednesday with nature expert, Burr Williams, Thursday, in honor of my Dad I was treated to lunch at Johnnie's Barbeque by an old friend of the family and my high school days. Bob's dad was an oil pioneer of the Permian Basin and is a smart and succesful man in his own right. What about Monday....well that's none of your bidness.

Today I had the privelage, once again, of lunching with Dr. David Lambert, director of the McDonald Observatory and chairman of the University of Texas Astronomy Dept. With several PhD's from Oxford in Astrophysics and the like I'd have to rank him right up there with my Blog Buddies in the brains department [you all owe me one for that statement!].

Actually I had been invited to this function some time ago but with all the sad goings-on I'd forgotten about the invitation until Bob mentioned it at lunch yesterday, he's going too. It was an RSVP affair so I immediately called Dr. Lambert's assistant, Dr. Barna down at the UT astronomy school in Austin. Of course, being the scholarly type myself, my first question was "Hi Joel, What are you having for lunch". When Joel told me that a delicate melody of chicken in a glazed creme sauce was on the menu, I said, "sounds good Bubba, count me in" And so I was.

It somewhat amazes me that this is the second time in a year that a guy [me] who was a solid "C" student in high school would be dining with multiple astrophysicists. But there I was chatting away with my tablemate, Dr. Gary Hill, another Oxford PhD. I was representing our planetarium which is partnering with UT and the Observatory on some exciting joint projects, so I worked very hard to comprehend everything anything that Gary was talking about. Though from York, England and in excellent command of that language he might as well have been speaking Croatian.

The subject of today's meeting was the UT/McDonald's Hobby-Eberly telescope which when finished will study, "dark energy". I liked Dr. Hill a lot. Not only is he one of the world's leading experts on "dark energy" but also invented the concept for the telescope. A nice guy who apparently detected "dark energy" inside my head and so could explain the concept in a way that I understood. The way I undertand it, "dark energy" is something that cannot be seen but they know it's there because.....well it just has to be. In effect Gary has figured out a way to detect and measure nothing. Why didn't I think of that? But I think it helped my intellectual standing with Gary when I threw out the question, "what sort of alogrithmic progression is involved with this". Alogrithmic progression being a term I just had comes to grips with in another lunch with Internet guru Eric Siegmund.

[truthfully, orginally planning on being an Oxford astrophysicist myelf {hamstrum only be abyssmal grades} I do understand the concept of the Hobby-Eberly Telescope, or HET as we call it. The big new plus in the HET is it's ability to map much larger sections of the night sky than conventional telescopes, thus highlighting changes more rapidly. The data is analyzed using spectroscopy to measure the speed and distance of objects in the expanding universe.]

Truly an interesting Friday lunch marred only by the fact that Sara Lou Grimes dribbled strawberry vinegarette on my new, almost like silk, slacks. While Gary was talking about "dark energy" and it's implications for mankind, I was worried about a pink stain on my pants. I guess that's why he's an astrophysicist and I'm not.

The Deal from Hell.....

I was trying to sell my Dad's car a week before he died. I was trying to sell it the day he died and now, over a week later I'm still trying to finalize the sale. Not that there's a problem with the deal, we have a willing buyer, we are willing sellers and the price has been agreed up. No the problem is with the process.

A nurse, one of my Dad's caregivers, is purchasing the car and for five days I worked with her on getting money transfered into our account from her out of town small bank. So small it closed at 2 pm every day and there was only one banker to talk to who apparently spent most of his "open" hours away from the bank. The nurse called me several times each day wanting to know when she could get the car, not fully comprehending that we needed to be paid first. A nice person, just a tad pesky. I finally decided I had better things to get phone calls about so I turned the whole affair over to my banker, Garth, whose father was a friend of my Dad's.

In fact I had just come from the bank and Garth when I arrived at my Dad's hospital room in time for me to be there with him when he left this earthly realm. I told my Dad I loved him and how much he meant to us as I held his hand.....but I would have also like to add, "go in peace, we just sold your car".

But the story goes on. Garth called while I was still in my Dad's room telling me that he was working on the "deal" and when he found out that Dad had passed away minutes before he said, "uh oh, you'd better sign the title with his name". Probate you know.

One hour later as I arrived home, the "nurse" called to see how the "deal" was going and incidentally asked how my Dad was doing. I said, "the deal is going fine, my Dad is not, he just died". I could hear the pregnant pause before she said she was sorry, but I know she wanted to ask if this was going to slow the "deal" down. Thankfully, she didn't. In fact she called later that night to say that she understood this wasn't the time to do the "deal" and she'd call back. Which she did in two days to which she added, "don't worry about the money transfer, I have a cashiers check". Fine and dandy. I'd said I call in a few days to transfer title when we were in better shape to accomplish that. End of story.....

No unfortunately the story still goes on. Today was the day to "do the deal". The "nurse" and I agreed to meet at my Mom's house at 3 p.m. The car is there as were the keys and title which I had placed on a coffee table in my Mom's living room, knowing that I would need these soon. I called my Mom this morning to tell her we would be by this afternoon to close the "deal". "Fine", she said...."but where is the title". I could have wept. I won't go into details but after searching the whole house the title has mysteriously flown the coop.

So the "deal" is still a work in progress for now I get to go to the nearest state title office in Odessa armed with death certificates, registration and other assorted forms to try and wheedle a duplicate title out of them.

After the last 5 months of real trials, this is really just baby stuff but still a pain in the keester. I surmise that God thinks I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have some troubles to work on...maybe He's right. Or perhaps just a reminder that "this ain't nothin". I was reminded of what is important; as we looked for the title even in my Dad's desk, my Mom finally broke down sobbing saying, "Looking at all his personal things, it finally hits me that he's really gone". Me too, now that's important.

Thanks......

Thanks is not a strong enough word for me to give to everyone who has shown their care, compassion and support of my Mom and me in the last week. But Thanks!

My Mom has been kept busy writing at least one hundred thank you notes in response to flowers, food, phone calls, donations to our charities and for people who have been there when it counted. She's the old fashion type that can't rest until each and every note has been written. More of us should be like that I suppose. It's probably good therapy for her too.

I too have been overwhelmed with the kindness and caring of friends and frankly from people whom I don't know all that well and even more surprising are the calls and cards from people I met during my previous four years existance. I've had cassaroles delivered, flowers sent, cards, calls, emails from Hong Kong and Australia and this week I've been booked for lunch each and every day. If anyone thinks that anything is more important than family and good friends, they've yet to learn much about life. Well, dogs too, you knew I meant dogs as friends and family.

And my social scene is even looking up. I had a very lovely woman whom I've known for a long time call me last night to ask me to the theater this Friday. Mary is a charming, vivacious and interesting woman and although she's a little older than I, she is a riot. She is a little hard of hearing but you might be too if you were almost 91 years old.

Blog-o-rama Italiano....

Stay tuned and come back later for very big and exciting news.......

OK, I really didn't have any big news, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last week. What actually occured was that I was invited to lunch today with some of the most influential media minds of the 21st Century who were kind enough to want to brighten up my attitude after the previous hard months I've endured. It was most appreciated.

Pictured above with me at left are stalwarts of the blog-o-sphere Eric Siegmund, Jimmy Patterson, Jeff McDonald and Darryl Ward. Our luncheon was held at the somewhat new Italian Village, owned by Albanians I think, but it was superb. Excellent food, impeccable service in a sophisticated atmoshphere, perfect for our level of savoir faire. Or at least for a well traveled newspaperman like Jimmy. Four of us had standard, and very good, Italian fare. Jimmy had scampi. Four of us had water, Jimmy had iced tea. Big expense accounts make you used to that kind of luxury I suppose.

With such a strong philosophical base the luncheon discussion was varied and eclectic with topics ranging from 17th century literature and algorithmic ratios to the vagaries of our religous and spirtitual experiences. Oh yeah, if you weren't there we may have talked about you too.

Eric spoke so highly of algorithms, I thought that was what he was having for lunch, so I ordered some too. The Albanian guy said they were not in season so I had eggplant parmigiana. It was as good as the algorithms I'm sure. A splendid time and I appreciate the heartfelt care and concern that led to this, the first somewhat annual or sooner Midland Blogger Roundtable. It's great to have such friends. We are planning the next roundtable and as choices for the site, we have narrowed it down to the Grand Hotel in Geneva, Switzerland or Johnnie's Barbeque.

A few more personal shots can be viewed at: The Eclectic Photographer

Monday....

Monday Monday, so good to me,
Monday Monday, it was all I hoped it would be
Oh Monday morning, Monday morning couldn't guarantee
That Monday evening you would still be here with me.

Monday Monday, can't trust that day,
Monday Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way
Oh Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be
Oh Monday Monday, how could you leave and not take me.

Every other day, every other day,
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
You can find me cryin' all of the time.......

Moving on.....

Tomorrow, it will be a week ago that my Dad died, yet I think the next few days will be the worst, especially for my Mom.

In the days since his death we have been busy making arrangements, planning his farewell service and distracted from the sadness by a multitude of friends and family. My brother and sister, their families and childhood friends of mine have been pleasant diversions from the fact that my Dad is no longer here. I've had some genuinely hilarious moments of laughter with my old friends about events involving my Dad that occured long ago. Even an old girlfriend of mine whom I haven't heard from in many years, when she learned of my Dad's passing, drove down from New Mexico yesterday to visit with my Mom and me. My brother departed Friday evening, my sister left Saturday and now we are left alone with our thoughts.

We've been busy in the day or so since my Dad's service with friends, my Mom with thank you's and me with delivering floral arrangements to various charities. With 30+ large arrangements at her house we decided that perhaps we ought to share our friends floral generosity with others. My sister and I delivered the first flowers to hospice at the hospital an obvious first choice, but also so that Susan could see where her Dad left this earth and to meet the caregivers who saw him out with so much dignity.

My Mom and Dad were married for 60 years and although my Mom liked the solitude of the house during the day, there were very few nights over those decades that she was without him at home...or with the prospect of his return. There'll be no return this time and I'm sure the house will seem a lonely place.

All this is made easier with a lifetime of wonderful memories of my Dad and with the outpouring of care, compassion and love we have received from friends. My Mom has had a contstant stream of visitors, food, calls and cards. Me, I've had cards, calls and well wishes from almost everyone I've encountered. Some from people I haven't known well or have only recently met. Like the card from the parents of friends in the MHS football boosters club, people whom I've only seen on Friday night's for several months. Those mean a lot. They all mean a lot. And what has recently transpired in my life, including my Dad's passing, has reminded me once again what is important in this life. And those are dedicated friends, loving family and faithful dogs, not broken shower doors. Thank you one and all......

Closure....

It was a glorious late fall day for my Dad's memorial service, on his Mom's birthday. I had my final closure with him holding his hand as he died, my Mom had said her good-byes the day before he died so the service, really, was for my brother, sister and their families. And for the 100's of friends who cared so much about "Big Wally" who were in attendance. Including, many of the employees of Johnny's Barbeque. That would have pleased my Dad the most I think as well as says volumes about him. Here's the family who, besides a cousin and an aunt in Virginia, are the only close relatives left. Thanks to all who loved my Dad.

I was honored to give the eulogy for my Dad and as I thought on the way to the pulpit and in fact said to the congregation in my opening. "You all knew and loved my Dad, what more do I have to say that will add to that". I've had closure on several issues in the last several days I think my Dad would have wanted that too.

Counting Blessings.....

A late night tonight, early morning really, after a day of making final arrangements for my Dad. A pleasure doing these last things for him. A night of talking to sister, brother and old friends who are coming to pay their respects. Two of my best friends, in fact, coming to Midland once again were just here two weeks ago from Houston upon the death of one of their parents, one of my "other" mothers.

Even in the worst of times there are blessings to be counted and even some humor. Wednesday I fielded three calls from people wanting to know if I had died. They had seen the death notice for my Dad, our names being basically the same, and had been worried that it was me. I laughed and told them I thought it took some degree of courage to dial my number....and then say what? "Hi, are you alive"? I told them no it was my Dad who had gone but a piece of me has died with him, so thanks for the call.

My blessings are beyond measure in one of life's most important commodities, friends. My Mom and I have been inundated with calls, flowers, food and just plain ordinary caring. My AA friends understand, perhaps more than many, the pain of the situation and the healing process to follow and have been of great comfort. Some of the older members who knew my Dad have called or stopped by to tell me stories of how much they respected him or what it was like to work with him on School Board or County Government issues and what a fair, sensible and even handed approach he took to the most difficult issues. My Dad was the School Board President when the Supreme Court ordered the Midland Schools to desegragate, possibly the single most important and divisive event in MISD history. Many told of how he held things together through those tough times.

And once again, as with the death of the Big Gold Dog, through the Internet I have received emails and the important comments on this blog from caring people, some of whom I do not know personally but who wish to share their humanity with me.

And to cap the evening off, I had special visitors. How wonderful it was to have another Big Gold Dog in the house most of the evening. A Gold Dog who Tres knew well. What an emotional time to see this beautiful dog once again, and think of my buddy who left not very long ago. Thanks again one and all.....

Gone Home.....

My Dad died at 3:05 this afternoon. I was alone with him as he slipped away, holding his hand and telling him how much We loved him and how much He had meant to us. I know he was ready to leave his painful body. I know because he would not even eat chocolate anymore. He looked peaceful and like he was finally getting the rest he needed. Though he looked old, his spirit was still young and I had taken the picture shown to let the hospice staff know what a great looking guy he'd been for most of his life. He had waited for me to arrive in his room before going....I'm sure of that.

I had been trying to get to the hospital for several hours, but I had offered to sell my Dad's car to one of the caregivers who needed good transportation. She needed to wire the money from an out of town bank to my folks so I had been delayed at the bank. I arrived at hospice at 3:00. My Dad was alone and I immediately noticed a difference in his appearance from my morning visit, and I could not discern any noticeable breathing. Stepping to the nurses station I asked about his condition and Samantha said she had checked on him just 10 minutes prior. She came with me to his room and said what I had thought, "he is in the process of leaving us right this minute". She checked his pulse and got a faint response. Within 2 minutes he was gone.

I am blessed, I am grateful and God had a good plan for me today. The cycle of life is complete. My Dad was present when I was born, I was with him when he died, but it is yet another hole in my heart right now. But there is beauty in the world still, I did get to see the most beautiful woman in the world later in the day...if only for minutes. Another wonderful experience, yet extremely hard in it's own way.

And pictures are not enough to convey my thanks and that of my Mother to all those who helped make the process a spiritual trip, but here are the wonderful people at Hospice present when my Dad left us. Samantha, the girl on the far right was with me in the room with my Dad.

Tuesday update: A new day dawns, the first day without my Dad present in our lives. We had a good gift today however to help to start with the healing. Our friend, noted newspaper story teller Ed Todd stopped by my Mom's house to help write my Dad's obituary and to garner information for a newspaper story honoring "Big Wally". We pulled out old pictures, letters, honors he had received and related our stories of a great life. Ed has known just about everyone in Midland over the last 40 years so it was a great pleasure to hear him say, "you know, I liked and respected your Dad as much as anyone I've ever known here, he always did the right thing". Amen
Newpaper Article on my Dad

Life's Skills....

I've just come back from sitting for an hour and a half with my Dad in a mostly darkened room. I watch him breathe and sometimes wonder if he was still breathing. I have the worst and the best job. They are both the same.....I get to be with my Dad as he is preparing to die.

People think that some of us in AA are crazy when we say we're thankful that we got terminally drunk and landed in AA. In my case thankful that I got terminally drunk and lived to land in AA. But it is true; sometimes I think that I've learned all my succesful living skills there. Still working on most of them, but I'm making headway. Like today.

Two topics of succesful living that we hear often are concerning "change" and "expectations". These two are usually related. The old axiom is that "the only thing constant is change". Roger, got that one pretty well in hand. It's been forced on me lately. Expectations are harder for me. Expectations of things both good and bad can be killers. When we expect the worst to happen in any situation we live in the negative and bad things become self fulfilling. On the contrary when optimistic people like me constantly expect good things to come about just because we're good people doing our best, we can be hurt in the worst ways. I can give a recent example, but am trying to "move on" and "just get over it".

My expectations were altered again today by change. My Dad is now in the hospital hospice unit, most assuredly to spend his final days there. As reported just two days ago I was effusing gratitude that he would be able die at home. Though that has changed I'm still grateful. Grateful that we have options and that we have true friends who show up for us in emergencies. People who care and that don't just talk about "being there"....they are there.

As I left town for Lubbock yesterday afternoon, I stopped by my folks house for a check on the situation. Frankly I was heartened. My Dad was awake, mostly coherent and smiled as much of a smile as he could when I entered the room. We had a short conversation, which mainly consists of me telling him what I'm doing that day. My Mom seemed to have things in hand and was going to relax for the remainder of the afternoon. That's about as good as it gets there at any one time. That was at 3 p.m. Saturday.

But, sh*t change happens. As soon as I got out of church this morning my cellphone started ringing; neighbors, hospice calling. My Mom had fallen down [collapsed actually] several times and the doors were locked allowing no one to reach her. Thankfully, a neighbor remembered she had a key and they were in the house shortly before I arrived. The nurses strongly recommended that my Mom go to the hospital for a checkup. My Mom, God Love Her, is a person who knows everything and is always right so no hospital visit. Which left us with the most realistic and painful decision. My Dad would go to the hospital hospice care unit. Which is where I've been for the last two hours tonight, watching my Dad and talking with the good people at hospice.

Another axiom from AA: "Change is inevitable, peace of mind is optional".
I'm working on that and perhaps I still have part of last night's smile....or a little peace of mind despite today's difficult change.

Season over....

My newly found horoscope predicting an 11 year good luck cycle for me, apparently didn't carry over to the MHS Bulldogs. Or perhaps the ongoing win one/lose one factor was just too strong. The Bulldogs season ended last night at Texas Tech's Jones Stadium with a disappointing loss to Amarillo High School, a team we had defeated eight times in a row, including earlier this year.

The Dawgs did not have one of their better games and so things ended. Sad for the Seniors, many of whom I've gotten to know quite well, and sad for me too. During the past months of grief, I've enjoyed the diversion these activities have given me.

Tough, very tough....

My Dad could go at any time now. I think this fact has given my mom and me a new sense of calm. I recognize, at least for me, what this is. It is acceptance. Acceptance that we have done all that can be done, made plans, hired the best care and now we have only God's decision to await.

Dad has slipped rapidly in the last weeks, and I have been spending a lot of time with him and my mom. I can't begin to express the gratitude I have that God has put me here in this place and time to be there with them. With no other close kin available it has been hard to be "it", but God's plan put me here for this purpose and it makes me glad when I see my Dad's eyes light up when he knows I've arrived.

But I cannot begin to describe how tough it is. Tough watching a once vibrant and active person reduced to a mere shadow of himself, his body so withered that he has to have help moving. Tough having to have my Dad hold on to me with his frail arms so that he can bear the pain when we do something as simple as turn him on his side. And to hear him beg us to stop in a childlike voice. But what a blessing to have him look at me and know I'm there through the ordeal, much as I used to look at him in my times of trouble.

This is all made bearable with the help of friends and the caregivers from Hospice who started as complete strangers but who have shown our family as much or more interest, care and compassion than some others who we have known well. Many people who care so much about my Dad have come to say good-bye and I have friends who have described to me their experiences which has been a comfort. It is tough, but I am also grateful that I get to go through this final trial. Death is part of living and so few of us in this modern age get to carry the experience through to the end like this. As I learned with the death of the Big Gold Dog, there is comfort and future strength in having a loved one or pet die in God's time at home. And I know my Dad recognizes, as I try to do, small reminders of beauty in the world. He pointed out to me the other day how stunningly gorgeous the golden red leaves of the oak tree are outside his sunny window. I thought to myself, I hope I have such a lovely view when I go.

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving finds me at one of the most difficult times in my life. The loss of spouse, stepson, dog, and soon my Dad is at times almost overwhelming, and seems not to be at an end. Today I learned that one of my darling nieces is facing some, possibly, serious medical problems. Anger, resentment and sadness can be constant companions if I allow them.

Yet through all this pain, I am Thankful. Thankful for the basics of life. That in spite of four close calls with death that I know of and many more that I probably don't realize.....I have made it through another year. Thankful that I do have a multitude of friends who do care about me, deeply, and will be there no matter what. That I am sober today to be there for my Mom and Dad in their time of ultimate trial. Thankful that I finally learned to be honest enough to tell people that I'm not doing quite OK, and to learn to listen to their advice and accept their help with grace. Thankful that I finally learned that "happiness" is a fleeting thing, contentment and serenity can be permanent. Thankful for beautiful fall days and the gift to still recognize beauty through the sadness.

Thankful for the memory of a Big Gold Dog who gave me unconditional love, as few humans have, and for a little dog left behind who is grateful to finally be getting the attention she deserves, who just adores me, and wags her tail everytime I'm around. Thankful that God has put people in my life whom I can help, for I know that I receive more back than I give. Even thankful for some supremely tough times in the past that helped me realize that tough times do pass as today's shall too. And thankful and grateful that out of the wreckage of my drinking past I found AA which has taught me much of this attitude. Each day I remember the 11th Step of AA and two short prayers from the book Alcoholics Anonymous and a thought from the "Good Book", and remember where I was 14 years ago....and where I am now.

Step 11 – "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out".

"God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Lord I know that others who cause me pain are frequently spiritually ill. God help me to show these people the same tolerance, pity and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. This is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry and resentful that I may live in the sunlight of The Spirit. Thy will be done.

Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offence. Love keeps no score of wrongs; does not gloat over other mens sins, but delights in the truth. There is nothing love can not face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance.
1 Corinthians 13

Gretchen.....

Today was a bad day, singled out among many in the last months. My Dad is not doing well and I spent a fair amount of time with him and helping my Mom. I sat with him for a good while and watched him sleep, at times not being able to help myself in glancing over to see if he was still breathing. A sad time, but I'm grateful I'm here for both of them....and for me. Realistically we have to wonder whether he will make it to Christmas. But there was some reason for happiness tonight.

I feared the worst when my Mom phoned late in the day. But it was interesting news of another sort. An old friend of my Mom's, a beautiful young German girl was at the folks house and my Mom thought this a bad time for a houseguest. She wondered if Gretchen might come to stay with me for several days. I jumped at the chance! And here is a picture of Gretchen, a really stunning girl. Take a gander and come back.....

Gretchen, VaVa Voom!!

Gretchen is the dog of neighborhood friends of my family who are out of town for the holidays. Apparently Gretchen has experience in escaping her backyard and had done so today. Not able to contact her next of kin, we took her in. I was reluctant with D. Daphne Dog in the house, she being a little territorial and sometimes snappish at other dogs. And tonight was no exeption, especially with a canine interloper on Daphne's home turf. There was one terrific dog fight in my living room until I broke it up. But perhaps D. Daphne will be a tad more careful with whom she picks a fight next time. Gretchen is a BIG dog. A very sweet dog it turns out, but BIG. But all's well that ends well, D. Daphne and Gretchen, after much sniffing and worrisome looks are now the best of friends.

A thought on clowns

An article in today's Midland Reporter-Telgram gives the following general account of the clowns pictured above.....

several clowns of West Texas recently attended the annual Texas Clown Convention in Irving.

The clowns pictured won best all-around clown; best performance competition; in makeup and costume; in makeup, costume and singles skit; and together they -- won third in group "paradability."

I met these clowns and they're all women. They appeared, for all intents, to be very nice people, jovial and full of gaiety. Now here's what I wonder. I wonder if they realize that people know their lives are based on fakery? Do they think that people really believe that they're clowns? I wondered if, never content or satisfied with what they have, have they left husbands or are preparing to do so searching for the perfect Bozo to make them happy? Dressed up in their best painted on smiley, joyful faces are they more interested in "paradability" than love, compassion, understanding and devotion; are they clowns because they're so unhappy with themselves, living in fantasy not appreciating what they have in the real world? Do they think that happiness would be their's eternally if only they could be in the next big top? That's the problem with clowns, one never knows...nor do they.

**The above comments are the current sentiments of the author and are intended as a parable only and are not meant to disparage most women or clowns in general**

Life's trials and a wrecked foot....

I've heard the theory postulated in several places that God gives more hardship and pain to those better equiped to handle it than others. I'm sorry to say that I think God has great confidence in my abilities. In the past I've had to cope with a short, but emotionally painful trip to a war zone, five years of unmitigated hell in alcohol addiction, the divorce it caused and years of recovering from the pain inflicted on others due to the selfishness of that disease. Recently I've had the heart operation, a divorce and a dog who died in the same week, and the daily sadness of watching my Dad slip away.

And now we add, I think, another stress fracture in my foot; same foot as five years ago. Not as bad as death and divorce but miserable none the less. Walking three miles a day for my heart and mental well being has trashed my foot once again. For those who've never had a stress fracture it's like a bad bruise that never goes away. Rested for a few days it leads one to think he is healed. However after two days without walking there it is again, even more painful than before as it was for me today. Even one of the girls I pass walking every day asked if I was alright, the limp gave it away. "Sure", I said, "I always wince with every step". I usually try and soldier through these things but as I learned the last time, cracked bones don't get better with soldiering. At least I have the $250 broken foot ski boot dingus from the last time. I'll be bitterly disappointed if I have to give up walking for any time at all. I need all the endorphins I can get.

My Dad: God Bless him, he is trying to soldier on also, but has not regained much strength and has started on morphine regularly, which helps whatever pain there is, but more importantly keeps him relaxed so he can breathe more easily. Yet another nurse today told my Mother to let him eat all the chocolate he wants. This is the third medical professional that has told her this, yet she is like others I know that once an idea presents itself in her mind, she is right, and that's it, end of story. Still, I hope I don't have to sneak chocolate into him anymore....

Divorce recovery: In spite of church, ministerial counseling, family counseling, friends old and new and one heck of alot of AA, I'm sorry to admit that some days I'm more angry than ever. There has not been one night since the end of May that I've fallen off to sleep without some form of mental turmoil about that situation. Those who know me well, I hope, would say that I'm not one given to anger and when I am, allowing it to fester and I don't think I am. This is a first. This was a big deal to me, marriage should be. Love should be.

I've had comments from well meaning friends to the effect of "stop letting someone rent space for free in your head", "you know your former spouse ain't losin' any sleep over you" or more commonly, "get over it and move on". This last thought almost always coming from people, men and women, who are married to mature, loyal, compassionate mates who have no idea what this feeling is like. All I can say is that I'll be over it, when I'm over it. This too shall pass.....but may take quite awhile.

But God Bless Dr. Tim Walker at the First United Methodist Church for his Thanksgiving sermon today. It could have been straight out of AA. The message was "Attaining an Attitude of Gratitude". You've heard that here before. Too bad more didn't get to hear his message. And I am grateful for quite alot despite a wrecked foot and mental anguish. I've gotten to spend some good times with the Big Gold Dog and my Dad, knowing that each had not much longer to go. It's been a beautiful fall and God has a better road for me ahead.

Sweet victory in Sweetwater...

What a great day to be in Sweetwater, Texas as the Midland High Bulldogs defeated the Mansfield Timberview H.S. Wolves 26-22. The Wolves had a good team, and as usual, the Bulldogs had to fight back from a scoring deficit to win but the victory was ours. Perhaps the Wolves need a new mascot. My assistants and I thought the "Wolf" looked more like a very gentle bear.

And what a great day for picture taking with the new Nikon and lenses. In the good clear sunlight I didn't have to worry about the complicated settings [I have more of the manual to read!] that are necessary at the nightime games. I shot on "Auto" and on the super fast "Sports" setting and got great results as you can see in this shot of Brandon Batch [at far right] sailing into the end zone. You can see 100 more of the over 200 shots I took at the Bulldog Football website. Next week it's on to Lubbock for the second round of the playoffs.

Grand News.....

I'm glad I bought a new camera. I'm going to need it at The White House early next year. I'm pleased, honored and proud to announce that my good friend Bruce Crandall was notified this week that he will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor from President Bush. Bruce called late last night with this grand news and to get my social security number for security clearance reasons. That's Bruce on the right with Greg Kinnear who

played Bruce in the movie "We Were Soldiers". For those who don't know, Bruce volunteered to fly into an extremely hostile landing zone in Vietnam over a three day period, under constant fire. It is never too late to honor the brave!

His actions saved many lifes, at the risk of his own. I'm proud for Bruce and his family. Bruce and his wife Arlene are annual visitors to Bedford Drive and I anticipate a special get together in his honor this year.

Wolves at our door....

The Sibley Nature Center auditorium was overflowing for a talk by Emmy Award winners Jim and Jamie Ducher about their documentary film "Wolves at our Door". Their film is the highest rated documentary ever to appear on the Discovery Channel. I can see why. The story is fascinating and the cinematography is stunning. The Duchers lived with a pack of wolves in the Sawtooth Mountains of Idaho for

six years and became so trusted that the wolf pack would let them lay down among them and lick their faces. And we're talking some really big animals here..with really big teeth.

The film stresses the social and family nature of the wolf pack with some amazing examples of the complicated hierarchy and intelligence of the wolves. The Duchers are working to reintroduce wolves back into selected wild areas of the West; working with biologists and ranchers. They are having some success and will tell you that the wolves have actually helped the bio region around Yellowstone by culling sick, weak and old elk and deer. The wolves have also controlled the coyote population that was preying on young cows. For those instances where a wolf does take a domestic animal a fund has been established to compensate the ranchers. Sounds like it might work, I hope so. And the Duchers would like you to know that there has never been a documented case of a wolf attacking a human in North America.

Here's our own Wolf Man, Sibley Center director Burr Williams, with the Duchers. I gotta' love my new Nikon! The picture above was taken from about 80 feet away from a projection screen!

Sunset......

And what a pleasure to finally have a camera that will shoot spectacular scenes of November sunsets in low light like this one.

Visitors....

My sister, Susan, usually comes with her family for Easter from their home outside of Philadelphia. I had phoned her several weeks ago to tell her that if she wanted to make sure and see my Dad again she had better plan on coming before then. She arrived yesterday which cheered my Dad greatly, me too, I don't get to see her nearly as often as I'd like.

It's been a nice week for visitors for my Dad, but very poignant for me. Saturday he got to see my two best childhood friends, Bill and Ron, and I could see his eyes shine as the four of us relived some very pleasant times all those years ago. As we stood there I was grateful that we were all together again, but I also was saddened to know that, realistically, this is the last time Bill and Ron will ever see my Dad. And quite possibly my sister too.

3 Amigos

It doesn't seem right that sadness tends to be the thing that brings three old friends together, but I suppose that's natural.

Growing up in Midland I had three best friends, Bill, Ronnie [now Ron] and Rufe. Bill was the first kid I met in Midland when we moved here in 1960. He lived across the alley from me and that, I believe, is where we met. We were instant friends and have been for the last 46 years. Ron was a friend of Bill's whom I met not long afterwards and we too have been lifelong close friends. Ron and I share the same birthday. We went thru part of grade school, junior high and high school tied at the waist. The last time Bill, Ronnie and I were together was in 2000 at the funeral for Rufe's tragic and untimely death.

This weekend Bill, Ron and I were together to honor the passing of Ron's mother, Mrs. Billie Hunt. The mothers of my best friends were like second mothers to me. Sometimes you could tell them things that you wouldn't dare mention to your own mother or if you were stuck at the show on a Saturday afternoon you could call your friends mom to come get you. And they did and didn't think a thing about it. We were all very close then.

Mrs. Hunt was a kind, warm, generous and gregarious soul who was fun to be around and loved having the boys over. They were also the first people we knew who owned a color TV, so we were at Ron's house quite a bit. Bille was a founding member and perpetual patron of the Midland Community Theater and personally founded the Midland Symphony Debutante program, which is still in high gear today. Billie's health started to decline some years ago so she moved to Houston to be near her two sons, but I still called her at least once a year and her voice still sounded full of life and some degree of mischief. I'll miss the thought of her being gone.

But she and her sons were ready for her passing and this weekend was one filled of joyous remembrances, laughter and I got to see my two best amigos, along with Ron's wife and his fast growing son and other special people. Here's Ron, Bill and Me with a portrait of Billie which I remember hanging in their home.

Camera sic transit...

Eureka! My Nikon has arrived. Knowing that UPS hits this neighborhood beteen noon and 1:30 I stuck around so there would be no mistake in leaving my prize. And voila, the brown truck showed up right on time. Having used borrowed Nikon's recently I was able to set the camera up and in no time at all had my first shot. Impressive right out of the box with no adjustments. I've taken this shot many times with the old Sony and the clarity outside was always lost with the camera compensating for the dark interior. No more.......

Man bites bullet.....

Yep, I bit the bullet, the digital bullet and bought a new camera today. I had been wanting, acutally needing, a new one for a long, long time. My old Sony was made when Herbert Hoover was President and is long past it's prime. I have to say though that over the eight years that I've owned it, I've become accustomed to it's limitations and quirks and have adapted to get some very special shots.

After trying out various cameras over the last month or so, I bought the recently released Nikon D-80. It had come down to this or the similar quality Pentax, but the Pentax won't be making it's debute until December, and I wanted to shoot the remainer of football season with my new camera. What an upgrade for me. The D-80 sports 10.2 effective megapixels and a burst/continuous shoot rate of 3 frames per second. Hold the trigger down and it just keeps shooting, no time wasted while the camera reboots after every shot. Also the new color sensors are supposed to render stunning colors and sharpenss. Can't wait to try it out. It should arrive Thursday.

In other big news, and you may have heard it here first, Johnny's Barbeque has been sold! Hard to believe that after 6 decades Johnny could give it up. But it has been purchased by an Odessa steakhouse owner and should continue on in it's old tradition.

Vote.......!

I'm voting for the only candidate who asked for my vote........
....and smokes cigars, loves dogs and wears an airborne badge on his lapel.

The Kinkster!

You never know...

You just never know what value people put on different things. It's odd.

Saturday afternoon my main AA group, Serenity, held an auction of donated items to help defray the cost of some renovations to our meeting place. AA people are generous to a fault. People brought what their means allowed and since AA has a varied membership there were items small and large. Many people brought gift baskets that they had either put together or purchased. There were brand new small appliances, art good and bad, lamps, electronics, sporting goods, a dove hunt on one of the major ranches south of town, a weekend stay at a B&B a member owns in Fredericksburg, an antique coke machine and this year several larger pieces of furniture including a wooden filing cabinet I had my eyes on. I donated two of my favorite photos matted and framed.

We have 200+ members in our group and many of these drifted in and out, but for the most part 30 or so were present at any one time. I couldn't pass up buying some wooden gold gilt picture frames for $5 a throw. These are $50 items if bought new and I also had spied two antique rocking chairs with handmade embroided seats. I thought to myself that these would be the stars of the show with at least all the women bidding on them. A big box of CD's went for $95 so the chairs, I assumed, would go for well over the $100 mark. When the time came for the chairs no minimum bid was set and no one appeared to be anxious to open the bidding, so I offered $20...for both. Silence. Surely I thought someone really wants these and is just waiting to jump the bid way up. Silence. And then the auctioneer said, "Sold for $20".

I was stunned. How could people be buying fragrant soap gift baskets for $20 and $30 but I end up with two antiques for two 10 spots. But indeed I did. You can never tell what people are interested in.

I got my wooden filing cabinet for $90. My photos, I'm pleased to say, were bid on by 4 or 5 people and ended up going for $80. The going price, I suppose, for 8 antique rockers! Take a look, see if you think I got a deal, more probably a steal.

Rocker Update: I found out late this morning that the two rockers I bought were donated by a friend of mine. She wanted to know what I paid for them, but I wouldn't divulge that. Their family owned a famous West Texas business that I won't name but it rhymes with "Stinkies". These were from her grandmothers house at their ranch.

Post Game....

What a great evening for the MHS Bulldogs to slaughter the Lee High Rebels. We smeared them [now there's a word from my HS days]. Final score Dawgs 38 Rebels 21. A good game really and for many Bulldog fans rather troubling in the 1st quarter when the Rebels scored first and rather easily.

But the Dawgs responded in kind and kept up the effort. Star running back Brandon Batch went over 1000 yds. for the season; a feat made all the more special because his brother Barron was in attendance. Barron is the all time leading rusher at MHS and is now a running back for Texas Tech, though out of commission this season due to an injury. I had a nice visit with both brothers, nice kids.

Always a great time visiting with the players, coaches and other photographers during the game. A good evening, but everyone was ready to go home after the victory. It was cold...for West Texas. Enjoy some game pictures.

The Big Game....

It's the Big Day. The Big Game against crosstown rivals Lee High School. I'll be out at the stadium with my new compadres and compadrettes eating pre-game barbeque and cheering the Dawgs on while takin' some pix from the sidelines! See you there!

If it's game day, you need some pep!

Up from the doldrums...

Nothing like interesting activities to thwart further doldrumism.

I spent most of the afternoon, visiting with a recently relocated developer who has been in the local news lately. Things look to be brewing for me there. Bill is a new neighbor whom I met on my dog walks in the last months. We've become friendly and more than just talking business, he is a sports car racing enthusiast. Something I had guessed at by the really sweet Nissan NSX [top speed 165+ mph] he has had parked in the driveway occasionally. I found out today that among other "toys" he also has a Ferrari, soon to arrive.

Today while we talked business Bill, his wife and I drove down to Chaparral Racing to look around with my buddy Jim who manages the operations. Bill was impressed that the Chaparral Racing facilities have changed little from the glory days of the 1960's and that inside the nondescript buildings sit $5-7 million dollars worth of vehicles; the personal collection of owner Jim Hall. From a $1.2 million Ferrari Monza to a 1909 Cadillac to a classic 1957 Mercedes Gull Wing. All in mint condition. And like discovering King Tut's tomb, another whole room arrived at through a darkened old shop contains a Pennzoil Indy car, a 1963 Lotus Formula One car and a prototype racing Chevrolet Corvette that Jim Hall tested as well as a myriad of historic autos from the teens, 20's and 30's, like a Locomobile and a Whippet.

However the highlight of the tour was taking several laps around Rattlesnake Raceway, the test track. Bill was impressed, I loved doing that again, but his wife kept yelling, "slow down" so I'm not sure she liked it as much. I only got up to 90 mph.

Along on the tour were our soon to be County Judge and two members from a state transportion agency who may further our goal of having the Chaparral site be designed an historic area....and to have cars driving there again.

And....I've been wanting to do just a photo related Blog and here it is: Eclectic Photography

The Doldrums...

In spite of my best efforts, some days are just the doldrums for me lately. Losing loved ones will do that. Departed wives, stepsons, dogs and soon dads are not easy things to handle. Anger, resentment and sadness are things that will pass, with some work, but we have to let them run their course.

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

In moments like these I start to think, a dangerous game sometimes for me. I get to thinking about cashing in the chips and moving to new locales. The "geographical cure" we call it in AA. If I'm not happy here every moment, surely I will be joyful every day if only [take your pick] I lived somewhere else, I did something else, I was with someone else.

In 1998 I associated myself with a group of guys in the oil business who were mostly working for themselves, but for the common good of us all. They were engineers, geologists and landmen. We all contributed money and/or professional services to get projects done. Since I was not in any of those professions we decided that my niche should be starting a mineral interest [royalty] buying program. Those were dark days in the petroleum business with oil prices dipping below $10/bbl. at one point. Mineral interests were proportionally cheap. Most of our partners and some outside investors would put up the money to purchase the interests while I organized the program, did the leg work and bought the minerals. For my work, I received a 10% direct participation in the fund. We bought minerals for three years.

Since then, things in the oil business have changed, to say the least. Oil prices have risen 5-8 times higher now increasing our funds worth by at least that much and drilling has increased on our holdings further adding to the value. My stake has grown from nice to really nice which is what gets me thinking. Cash it all in, move to New Mexico and be forever and eternally blissful.

Then, that AA trained voice in my head kicks in with the sometimes sad but always true axiom, "Where ever you go, there you are". Damn AA sometimes, but I remember what Abe Lincoln said, too; "People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be". Where ever they are....

Pleasant day into night...

A good day to forget cares and woes while working with a good crowd on a beautiful day at the Sibley Center History Day and later, thanks to a kind invitation, a pleasant interlude this evening.

Living History.....

Cardinals: World Champions!

For those around the Midland area, especially if you have grade school children, you might like to visit the Sibley Nature Center's living history day on Saturday. Today was MISD day and we had close to 900 kids through the exhibits. Most appeared to be paying close attention to the "buffalo soldiers", ranch cooks and civil war soldiers, but all were thrilled when the muskets fired and the cannon's roared. A good time seemed to be had by the kids, as you can tell from this photo of my friend Martha and her class.

History Day pictures...

One day at a time...

I think it's important for my Dad to try and retain as much of normal life as he possibly can. Thursday has been our barbeque day for a year or so, one of his most enjoyed diversions. He loves to be out in public on the off chance of catching one of his old pals for a moment of conversation. Frankly he also enjoys escaping the clutches of negativity he encounters at home. His attitude changes dramatically when we have made the trip downtown and for the hour or so we sit in the restaurant.

Unforunately with his latest problems we haven't been able to make the trip; but I have picked up the barbeque and taken it to him. Today when I called to make sure he felt up to eating fat on a bun, I was rather shocked. His voice was as it had been 20 years ago, strong, clear and without hesitation. It was so different it really took me aback. I asked if he wanted me to pick up the sandwiches. Surprisingly he asked if he could ride along, though he didn't quite feel up to going inside. I picked him up and he made the trip in admirable fashion, especially enjoying the visit by several longtime employees of Johnny's who always ask me about him whenever I go in alone.

I really hated to take him back so soon, as his attitude soon sank back slowly. The thought of being back inside for the day and frankly my dear sainted mother were, I suppose the cause of this. How someone can continually find the dark lining inside a silver cloud as she does is beyond me. If you try, you can always find negatives in every person or situation, just as you can find positives. Why some people insist on dwelling on the former is a mystery to me and one that frankly I've had to face several times in the last four or five months. Negative thinking yields negative results. But my Dad and I cope with this the best we can. Sadly, I'm now to the point of sneaking large chocolate bars into him, which he hides in his bedroom. He makes a point of telling me not to let her see them.

But, my Dad and I had a pleasant ride on a beautiful fall day and for that I'm grateful. Tomorrow he and I have plans to bust him out for a trip to Swensons.

The Key....

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation---some fact of my life ---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutetly nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. When I focus on what's good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what's bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on a problem, the problem increases; If I focus on the answer, the answer increases.


From the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 417

In the past months of run-away brides, dearly departed dogs, dying Dads and difficult Mothers, acceptance is indeed the key to whatever serenity I have in life.

I cannot make someone love me, keep Dad's or dogs from dying, nor at 83 years of age expect my Mother to change a lifetime of emotional character. I can, however, chose to accept these facts as they are and make the decision to do the next right thing, for me and those around me. God has a plan for me. I think he's narrowed it down to three choices: A] a rubber room in the looney bin. B] on a slab with a broken heart [literally] or C] becoming a stronger, wiser and more useful human being. God gives us the basics, it's up to us to carry it out. I choose "C", "A" and "B" are rather unappealing to me right now.

Balancing act...

Life with elderly parents these days is a balancing act. I juggle trying to understand my Mother's stress and help her cope, while countering her fatalistic attitude with a positive game face around my dying Dad. Like a high wire act we get perilously close to losing it and then regain balance and move on.

Today I signed the papers for my Dad to enter into home hospice, but not without some cross words between my Mom and Dad, who in their fear and anxiety say things I know they don't really mean. One moment my Mom decides that she can't handle this anymore, while my Dad says he's ready to go to a home and die, not easy to hear. But with a few moments of quiet and then some words about the reality, we're back on track to matters at hand.

The hospice people stress that their care does not mean the end, in fact, they say many people live for years in hospice and some even recover and end the service. Realistically these probably don't apply to my Dad, but he and I like to hear a positive attitude. This notwithstanding, I knew that by signing I was writing the final chapter in his life. Not an easy thing to do, but the care promises to solve problems for us all.

Two kind nurses spent all morning with us evaluating the situation, telling us of their services and making some initial suggestions. I was more than glad to be able to get them aside and ask them to try and help my Mom handle the situation in a more positive and less stressful manner. My dear Mother is the type of person, with whom I am not unfamiliar, who tends to make up her mind based on facts of her own invention, decide she's right and act on them.

My Dad's one joy, it seems lately, is eating loads of ice cream and chocolate bars. My Mom has decided that he should be eating only healthy foods, which she prepares, and that all the sweets is one of the things that has set him back. She has been somewhat miserly in doling these treats out to my Dad causing cross words between them. I've tried to dispel this theory, but with little success. I was therefore extremely pleased that when she told of how she was cutting back on the sweets the nurses said, don't, the fat and calories are good for him. Score one for the truth.

I had a nice spiritual refresher after the tough morning however; I had been asked to photograph the stained glass windows in the sanctuary of the First United Methodist Church and today seemed like a good day for that. So I had a quiet respite beneath those lovely windows and later a personal serenade by the practicing organist. While in church I often like to look at the beauty of the windows, especially the ones on the south side which receive so much sunlight and around noon today they were stunning. The windows portray Biblical figures as well as a few important founders of the Methodist Church such as John Wesley and the Texas Tech Red Raider guy seen here. Lest anyone in particular think I am sinful and making fun of the Methodist windows, this resemblance was first pointed out to me in church one day by an elderly, very pious and longstanding member of the church.

The balancing act goes on one day at a time and for today I'm grateful that we finally have made a positive decision about my Dad's care. I do alright with this mostly, but late at night it is hard to think about four living souls who you loved most in the world either dead, dying or having left on their own. Some days my own balancing act is just to keep a positive outlook. It sure is nice to see Daphne wagging her tail all day.

A "B" and an "F"....

My photo experimentation last night with the borrowed Nikon went well as an experiment, I learned many things. I learned that when I get a good digital SLR I'll definetly read the manual. I got some stunning shots of fairly still subjects but shooting the main football action was a bust.

As most photographer know, light is a quirky thing. Night time, stadium lights and fast moving subjects are difficult to handle even with a camera one knows well, next to impossible with one you know only the basics of. I chose to take the camera off of "auto" and do the program settings myself. One of the few drawbacks of this particular Nikon is that if, while on "auto", it deems there to be not enough light, the flash automatically goes off. An annoying and unneeded system and perhaps there is a way to turn it off, but it escaped me last night. So.....basically the settings I chose, and I tried many, were not giving me a high enough ISO nor enough shutter speed to match the appeture settings necessary for the lighting conditions.

My action shots were crap as sports photos, but looking on the bright side as I do, they'll make great "art" shots. The players are elongated blurs against the stationary background, pretty cool looking really. But the booster parents want to see their boys, not blurs, so I get an "F" on that subject. However, the daughter of one of my friends is an MHS cheerleader and the Mom asked me to get shots of the girls, which I did. Her daughter is a stunningly beautiful girl and very photogenic. Great shots there for which I grade out a strong "B" I think. I'd post some, but don't want to be accused of being chauvanistic so instead I give you a perennial favorite... a lady with a baby. A neighbor with her God daughter at a party tonight.

Keeping things in focus...

As my friend, professional sports photographer Eddie Ray Merritt, mentioned several weeks ago, photography is one pursuit where the quality and price of your equipment does matter. In golf, if you are good, you can beat the pants off anyone using $300 clubs while your opponents sticks are in the $1200 range. In photography, you can be good, but never great using lesser cameras. Not that I'll be great, but I would like to improve.

In America we are so blessed that few of us actually need anything, but I need a new camera. I have two very fine 35 mm. cameras, but my digital shooter is a 1998 model Sony. A camera bought in the last century. The advancements in digital photography since then are astounding. However, one advantage of using my old camera is that I've been forced to stick to the fundamentals of photography and to learn some new creative techniques to get good prints.

I have been considering two new cameras, one a Pentax the other a Nikon. Through the generosity of an AA friend, I am getting the feel of a very good Nikon DSLR this weekend. I learned recently that my attorney friend, whom I've known for years, is a very good photographer himself; his favorite subject is shooting macro shots of columbine plants. We all have our niches!

He lent me not only his camera, but his whole stash of lenses and accessories. I've been busy learing the quirks of the system in the last day in preparation for shooting the Midland High football game tonight. What a pleasure it is to have genuine depth of field, have sharp true colors and see detail more clearly. And to be able to get over 500 shots in one session, rapid fire shots to boot, nice for sports action. The difference in cameras for me is about like switching from driving a 1957 VW Bug to a Corvette.

Go Cardinals!

Willie's Words of Wisdom...

"It's been rough and rocky travelin',
but my feet are firmly planted on the ground,
And after taking several readings,
I'm surprised to find my mind still fairly sound....."

The words of Willie Nelson ring true with me today, although I have to say that my mind is only fairly sound, and even that comes with a lot of work on a day to day basis. One of the abiding gifts AA has given me is the concept of "an attitude of gratitude". I heard that from an old timer when I first came into that program. He told me, and others, "it's impossible to be angry, resentful and full of self-pity if you are truly grateful for God's gifts to you each day".

God's gifts, no matter how small, like seeing my Dad be able to get out of bed today and walk, on his own, into the kitchen to eat our traditional Thursday Johnny's Barbeque lunch. For the last year he and I have made the trip down to the restaurant one of his regular outings, but for the time being, that's not possible, so the lunch comes to him. Small things become big things at this stage of life, for him and for me.

And whenever I think of St. Willie these days I cannot help but remember another of his philosophical classics...

"Well it's a bloody mary morning,
baby left me without warning sometime in the night,
so I'm flying down to Houston,
with forgetting her the nature of my flight"

But that is stinkin' thinkin' and an old tape playing in my head, not applicable today.

A month gone by....

It was a month ago today that the Big Gold Dog passed away, within a week of another sad personal finale in my life. One would think that this is about as much as God would give one person for awhile, but God has a plan of his own and it is revealed to me slowly and in His time.

Within the last month my Dad, who has terminal respiratory failure, has been slipping. He has been in for two hospital stays, the current one being for a week as of today. My sister is fond of saying, "we are all dying from the moment we are born", somewhat easier for her to say since I'm the one watching it occur while she lives elsewhere. But she is correct, we are all slipping slowly away, but my Dad will go before most of us who are reading these words. I've been at the hospital twice a day for the last week; three times today already, preparing for him to come home. This has been my goal, to get him home and to be as comfortable as possible and frankly to be a positive influence to counter my Mother's fatalism as well as to consider some tough medical decisions that, understandably, she finds hard to make.

He has rebounded from these episodes before, but realistically we know that this is a progressive and ultimately fatal disease. My friend and saint, Dr. Paul Best, has told me that his condition is not good and his well being will become a day to day affair. My family is blessed in that they can afford home nursing care when needed, my mother has help in the home and yard and I live only minutes from them. I am grateful that I can be of help and be with him as much as possible and that I have friends who support me; like an old friend whom my Dad knows, who took the time this morning to visit him.

I'm also grateful to the Big Gold Dog who recently gave me the experience of knowing what it is like to do the best you can for a dying loved one, enjoying the time you have left with them...and then to let them go when God is ready for them.

And I hope you understand my joy in the air show and tennis pictures. Those two weekends were the about the only respite I've had from a summer and fall of sadness, heartache, worry and stress. But....there's football coming again on Friday and life goes on according to God's plan.

5 O'Clock update: On my fourth trip to the hospital today I was able to bust "Big Wally" out. He's now back home resting comfortably. It's very hard to watch a man who used to be an excellent tennis player, an avid golfer, who walked and fought his way through Italy, a problem solver, now be able to only walk a few steps without tiring and be dependent on others to make decisions for him. But, like the Big Gold Dog, I still see the spark in his eye and the willingness to do what it takes to go on another day. In fact, my Dad felt so good to be out of the dark confines of Midland Memorial late this afternoon that he asked if we might just cruise around town a little and stop to get a candy bar. And so we did on a beautiful fall afternoon.

Tennis Final...

A moral victory in the Racquet Club NCAA tournament for the Pepperdine Women's Tennis Team as they were represented in all three final matches; singles, doubles and the consolidation match. Sylvia Kosakowski played in the final's, but lost a close three set match to a very good Russian player representing Baylor. Anete Bandere lost her consolation match as well, but teamed up with Sylvia to win the Women's Doubles title to beat a very good team from the University of New Mexico.
Lot's of tennis this weekend and so enjoyable with my friend Coach Gualberto Escaduro and the girls of the team. Nice folks all.

Here are some pictures of the weekend: Pepperdine Women's matches

More tennis...

The Pepperdine tennis team is doing well at the Racquet Club NCAA Invitational. My friend Sylvia had a close call in her second match which went three sets and she had to battle back from a 4-1 game deficit in the third to triumph. True championship material. Anete is on a roll too, having defeated her opponent in straight sets. Both move on this afternoon to another round and then Sylvia has to play yet again in a doubles match. A good fall day for tennis although the matches have had to stop several times for light rain.

Here is a good reason I love Pepperdine Tennis. Sylvia is next to me on the right and Tanya is at far left. Tanya is from Latvia and speaks not only her native tongue but also English, Russian and German.

Tennis Anyone....?

A good lunch break and late afternoon for tennis. Beautiful weather for rooting the Pepperdine Wave on to victory. My young friend Sylvia, last years surprise champion of the Racquet Club NCAA tournament, is seeded #1 in the women's division this year and has done well so far with a bye in the first round and easily defeating her opponent from Rice in the second. Tomorrow she starts early in women's doubles.

If you have any interest in tennis you ought to attend, some top level collegiate teams both mens and womens including Texas, USC, UCLA and Notre Dame.

Trudging the road......

After one of the best Air Show's ever for me, I'm back to life's plain and simple minutia. I've been busy this week at oil/gas business affairs with any extra time spent running back and forth to the hospital to check on my Dad or down to the Salvation Army to pick up Robert my AA charge. Some days I'm not sure who is sponsoring whom, as Robert calls every day asking me, "how are you doing". I appreciate that.

How I'm doing is actually a day to day affair. In spite of snarky commentary from both sides over the months, I do miss the former residents greatly and, of course, the Big Gold Dog. Life is not the same without them around and I had a dream about them just last night. But change is the only constant in life and those who survive with any serenity at all, alter course, accept life on life's terms and make the necessary adjustments.

The digital world is still interesting, keeping me very busy at night with updates to the Midland High Football website and when time allows transfering my 1000's of old images from diskettes to CD's. I'm putting each years production on a seperate CD, I've done 2004 and 2005 so far, each taking up about 100 Mb's of space. Interesting looking at all the old pictures, but very hard with some. Lot's of pictuers of former residents. I've also been hired to do a new website for a local business and luckily it's right up my alley.....a women's shoe boutique. The idea has struck me that perhaps a good thing would be to turn Streams into a divorce recovery and women's shoe blog.

So keeping busy is good; perhaps I'll see you at the hospital today, the MHS game in Abilene tonight or perhaps if you're interested in a new pair of Italian pumps, at "So Shoe Me" this morning. And later in the weekend I'll be at the Racquet Club where my alma mater, Pepperdine, is participating in the yearly NCAA warmup tournament. Over and out from Bedford Dr.

Air Sho, Day 3...

The second day of the Air Sho, my third, was one of the best ever. First the business at hand, hauling people hither and yon, went exceedingly well. I had asked several young newcomers to AA to help me drive this weekend and they did wonderfully. There was a dual purpose to this request. First, I needed drivers, and secondly I know that it's good for new AA

members, especially young ones, to get out among people and see that you can have an amazing amount of fun while clean and sober. I think they had a great time, not only driving but cruising with me in my golf cart looking at all the fabulous planes and meeting many of the folks I've gotten to know over the years at the air show.

I met a number of new people at the show too, as I usually do. Driving a golf cart and looking important [though I'm not, believe me] lends itself to people stopping me and asking questions or wanting a ride. I try and give rides to the more elderly, who are usually WWII veterans. And this year we honored all WWII vets so there were more than the usual number. They keep getting older and less able to travel any great distance on foot. They usually are almost embarrassed to ask for assistance, much like my Dad, but when talked aboard they are glad for the ride. I'm more than honored to do it and usually give them a little extra tour of the show to places they may not be able to walk to. It's more than sad to realize that these men who were so young and such heroes to me in my youth will mostly be gone in another 8-10 years. A great privelage to give them a ride indeed.

Being an accomodating host, though I hated to do it, I gave a special tour to a pilot visiting with her group. She was with the Plane Girls. This is an organization for young women in aviation whose purpose is to....well their exact purpose seems to be...well I'm not sure what their purpose is, but if you look at their website, in my book, they don't really need a purpose. I was able to devote an hour or so giving her a close up look at the air show and to talk aviation. And her favorite movie was We Were Soldiers so she was interested to hear some of my inside scoop on the authors etc. My goal is to make all visitors, young and old feel at home.

However the highlight of my day was flying in the show with my friend Gregg Baiano. Gregg is accumulating a growing fleet of Vietnam era helicopters which he is restoring. I've flown with Gregg several times, but never like this! The CAF is adding Vietnam aviation to it's storyline and this year was the first that we've had a complete Vietnam vignette to add. We simulated the rescue of a downed fighter pilot using Gregg's Cobra [above, shot from the open door of the Huey] and one of his Hueys. I was the crew chief on the Huey and personally I think, the star of the show, jumping off the ship to pull the downed pilot in, buckling him in while doing a hot lift off. Well, OK, perhaps the helicopters were the stars, but I had a hell of a lot of fun.

There are not many thrills greater than flying in a Huey at 100 mph. 10 ft. above the ground with the doors open. This was not tame flying either, lots of hard turns and short stops. Just like the old days! And watching the straffing runs of the A1E Skyraiders and then the Cobra from above looked like the real thing, thanks to our great pyrotechnics guys. Many pictures of this and more at:
Air Sho 2006 photos

Air Show, Day 2.....

The first day of the Air Sho went well with good weather, some cloud cover [which makes it easier to spot the planes] with a fairly good breeze which was welcome on a warm day but necessitated the cancelation of some of the lighter and slower planes which fly some of the acts. My able crew and I helped an number of people including many WWII vets, who like my Dad, find it hard to walk even 100 ft. these days without effort. A privelage to assist them.

Here, with new photos added, is the Air Show 2006 photo album.

Air Sho....

It's Air Sho time again, normally one of my favorite, though busy, weekends. I have had a hard time getting geared up for the activities this year, for obvious reasons, but with some small responsibilities there and seeing old friends and meeting new ones I'm sure I'll get into the swing of things. One of the best ways to replace old memories is with new ones, I've been told.

Here are some first photos of Air Show 2006 many more to follow over the weekend.

Hope to see you at the Air Sho.....!

Law's of life.....

The last four months have been an extreme trial affecting me in many ways. One of which is difficutly in gaining sleep easily at night. During the worst I did try Ambien©, which frankly works like a charm. But being reborn in AA I know that one must eventually solve one's own problems without the use of sleep aids or other mood enhancers so I stopped taking it. The result is that I still have many nights where I toss and turn replaying old thoughts in my mind.

For some reason, the other night, the "Law of Unintended Consequences" popped into my brain. Why I'm not sure but I suspect it had something to do with the "attitude of gratitude" learned in AA. This being that each day we all have something to be grateful for and if we concentrate on the positive instead of the negative we are much the better off for it. My prime example is D. Daphne Dog. Left behind by a former resident who no longer had any use for her, she has become a blessing in my life, helping me through these tough times. An unintended positive consequence of a thoughtless negative action.

What was interesting to me in reading the Wikipedia article on that subject was the links to other laws, the most famous being Murhphy's Law. Probably the best known of life's "laws" this states that "anything that can go wrong will". Certainly seemed to apply to me, but even more importantly was the corollary which I had not thought of in a long, long time. Finagles' Corollary to Murphy's Law adds an important point, "anything that can go wrong, will...at the worst possible time" Having your divorce become final a week or so after your dog dies makes me think that I have indeed been "finagled".

As I try and work through the pain, hurt, anger and resentments of this I recall another more West Texas "law". "What goes around comes around". And this, I've learned in 1000's of hours in AA, does indeed come true. Life is not always fair in any given day, month, or even years, but it does even out. So I leave it in God's capable hand to give people what they deserve in life.

Transition Zone.....

I'm still, in fact even more, into transitional thinking brought about by unintended changes [on my part anyway]. I've been trying to clear my mind of recent events and heartaches and in doing so God has opened some doors through some very interesting new people I've met. Where the door leads is not fully apparent, but it seems to be promising.

So with transition in mind, I have over the last several days, been doing some transitional photography. This is what abandoned dogs and photographers do, take pictures of each other.

In the world of photography these are known as sepia's. My artist friend Polly Jackson tells me that in her more chromatic world they are mezzotints. So if you're in Santa Fe pick your medium if you're in West Texas they're basically weird pictures of me and the dog.

*No dogs were harmed in the making of these images

Prayer...

In between other duties this weekend I've been able to attend some of the sessions of the "prayer workshop" at the First United Methodist Church. During the last four months I thought that perhaps God had cut off his intercom to me. I've prayed for answers and guidance on matters big and small and it seemed that things only got worse.

I have been in more regular attendance in church over the last several years and, of course, I am a regualy attendee at AA. AA is spirtitual, church is religous, and for me one has enhanced the other. As we in AA say, "church is for people who don't want to go to Hell, AA is for people who have been there and don't want to go back". A cute saying but one that I don't hold too much to anymore. Several weeks ago while doing some photography work for the church I had a long private chat with head pastor Dr. Tim Walker about my defects, my worries and my pain. It surprised me to hear Dr. Tim say that if he had his way everyone who joined his church would be required to attend AA for a year before they became members. We all have our demons and addictions was his point, and that AA addresses the more humanistic way to become better people through religon.

I believe that I've learned more about "church religon" through the spirituality of AA than I would have otherwise and learned that the two go hand in hand. And I was reminded in AA that my "unanswered" prayers were not that at all. God has a plan for us all and if we will "turn our will and life over to the care of God, as we understand him" then we will be able to let God do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Sometimes WE just need to get out of the way and let God's plan unfold for us. I'm working on that one...

And if I doubt that God has left my prayers unanswered I only have to remember back two weeks ago today, when I had been urgently praying to God that he take The Big Gold Dog in his own time and way. That's exactly what happened and I can never be grateful enough for that. I'm reminded too that there are three answers that God can give to our prayers; yes, no and not now. God is very busy, you can expect a great deal of "not nows".

Here's one of my favorite prayers....learned from reading it in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Sometimes life becomes more difficult, easier, more confusing and clearer all at the same time.

The Transition Zone...

Sometimes feeling like we were left behind with the same compassion that one throws out old newspapers, Daphne and I are glad for new friends to uplift our spirits. Like a visitor who had read about the Big Gold Dog and wanted to meet Daphne.

The Day Dawns Bright.....

Things change, life goes on, but God has a plan for us all. A spiritual base and many friends have helped in leading up to this day. Spiritual growth sometimes comes from hard lessons but I believe what in AA are known as "The Promises"....

If we are painstaking about this phase of our spiritual development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. It's amazing how that works isn't it? Thanks God.

Today's cost of obeying God's will for me: Unfathomable heartache, $275 and time served.

D. Daphne Dog....

It was one week ago today that The Big Gold Dog passed away and as hard as it's been I don't think that I could have made it without D. Daphne Dog. D. Daphne has had a hard summer too. She was originally an abandoned puppy and then this summer she was left behind again by her previous owners. A tough deal for a dog not seeing familiar faces ever again. But she adapted well and it was nice for me to know that she was inside with Tres when I was gone during the day. I think they were good companions.

Now Tres is gone and Daphne is having, along with me, to adjust again. She's doing well but never leaves my side where ever I am. I'm sure she may be enjoying this promotion from spare dog to main dog, as Tres occupied much of my time in the last several months. And I'm enjoying her too. She loves to ride with me on various errands and being a smaller dog than Tres I don't feel bad about taking her along in the car and leaving her for a few moments as I run into the photo processors, cleaners or where ever. If ever a dog loved to ride, it's Daphne.

And she is a hoot. A very smart and inquisitive dog she's always up to something. This past week I had the DeAnda family interior contractors in repairing the leak damage in the den. There were sheet rock guys, plasterers and painters. Every time a new worker came in, we had to stop all work so that Freddy DeAnda could show them D. Daphnes tricks. On my question, "where's your toy"?, her ears stand up, she searches and finds her rope where ever it was in the house. Same with the ball, she knows the difference. But her "roll-over" was the show stopper. I don't understand much Spanish, but I could tell the guys were impressed.

Thanks D. Daphne for getting me through the week.